Chinese food gives me a boner, it's either that or the Chinese lady behind the counter with the perfect body telling me she likes my dimples...

"To explore oneself is to seek truth and that truth is you ain't shit!"
- The dude that had the job and was fired when The Buddha became available

Had a dream about Miley Cyrus. I had lots of sex with her. I don't like to be subtle.

Miley Cyrus' video "We Can't Stop" is the Instagram account of EVERY teen and 20 something lady set to music.
*watches it 25x in a row*

"Bwahahahaha! I thought today would be better than yesterday! Yeah, I'm stupid..."
-Me

(True story from today)

*I walk into a doughnut show for a green tea and fruit salad, I see a homeless man who says to me...*

"Yo brother, I'm not asking for a handout. I just want some food".

*I walk into the shop and buy the man a cheeseburger, then go outside and give it to him*

"Damn n*gger, I can't get nuthin' to drink!?! Why you gonna give me this sh!t and nothing to drink!?!"

*I look at him...he sees that he might have inadvertently ordered a side order of whipped ass*

"Oh..uh...sorry man. Thanks."

*I walk off and then 30 seconds later laugh my ass off in the car as I drive away...*