We’re supposed to be shocked Michael Douglas has oral sex with Catherine Zeta Jones? I’m shocked he stopped long enough to do an interview.

If Michael Douglas got HPV, from what he did, I should have the triple ebola virus right now just from what I did in the 90's.

"Dog whistle politics....it's FAN-TASTIC!"
- I'm selling slogan tee-shirts outside of congress

You may mock me, but I quickly sold out my "Truth, who needs it?" shirts outside of a certain cable news station...

Dear ballerinas that I will have sex with, keep your socks on. You know why. Thanks.

"I may surf with her...but I only podcast with YOU."
- Me trying to stop my laptop from getting jealous of my new Chromebook.