When I watch cable news, it makes me long for the good old days when you had to become ill or extremely old BEFORE you went crazy or senile.

I can't wait until smartphones get IMAX® screens so I can start sending people "Dick Picks"

Shoot for greatness in your life. Bang me.

I NORMALLY don't feed trolls, but these bulging soup cans and raw chicken should really go to someone who'll appreciate them. Eat up trolls!

Karma is a bitch...to YOU. I've actually had some productive conversations with her and well... we're dating now. See? Talking it out works!

I don't choose to be offended by EVERYTHING because I'm not a huge d-bag. I'm talking to YOU cable news talking heads and talk radio hosts.

My ex used to say my balls were salty but she said NOTHING about the barbecue sauce and the stir fried veggies on them. Insensitive witch!

I pass for white. In other news, I only make friends with stupid people.

"Why the hell do you keep staring at my girl man?"
- Rick Springfield's friend Jesse

I vote with my wallet....because the person in the booth before me picks his nose and I'm not touching that shit.

Do they STILL draw chalk outlines around bodies? Where are the security camera blind spots? Does sound travel in here? Huh? Never mind why!

I liked the good old days when I scared babies. Now they all love me. Guess I'll have to start doing shit to make the parents scared of me.