I'm writing a song about my cheating ex called I HIT IT 25TH.

I wish female construction workers would STOP yelling "Nice Dick" at me as I walk pass. Is it too much for them to yell "Nice BIG dick"?

I hope that I don't write something here that offends any of you because I really care how you feel about...bwahahahahahaha! I tried.

Dear future wife, two words, endless love. Two more words, always faithful. Two more words, daily banging. Two more words, the butt.

I'm not mad at you, I'm not talking to you as much because you don't mean as much to me anymore. #keepingitrealwithsomeone

If we break up, I don't want to be your friend. I'm good for a moving smile and wave combo though. Sorry. #keepingitrealwithsomeone

A lack of respect for me leads to a lack of any access to me.
#keepingitrealwithsomeone

Your dreams are like a baby, keep sick people (haters, negative motherfuckers) away or it'll get sick too.
#keepingitrealwithsomeone


I love Applebee's, Chili's and Chi-Chi's type restaurants. It's funny how life works. When you're young, you take dates to those places. When you're older you take dates to expensive places, then you get married/live with someone and your ass is back at Applebee's, Chili's and Chi-Chi's again.

So why not just keep eating there dammit!?!

I can smell your armpit farts.

I have a love/hate relationship with tofu as well.