Every time I do something nice and a hot woman sees, I say "Yeah, I do this for the kids". It has gotten me laid 0 times, but I can't stop.

Listen out for the door? No. If I wanted to talk to you, I'd call you. If I wanted you in my house you'd be in it....so...no.

I'm not going to spend money on a tattoo. I'm just going to drink this glass of hepatitis. It's cheaper.

"Joke's on YOU Singapore, I'm into caning!"

- Nobody

On a DAILY basis, I do things that would ruin my political career...Bwahahaha!

I'm just kidding. I mean HOURLY.

If you're the next guy that dates Weiner's hot wife, all you have to do is NOT send pics of your penis to 20yr olds and you're an upgrade.

If someone told me that Nicki Minaj's butt cheeks tasted like milk chocolate, I'd believe them.

If you lick your lips when looking at a lady's butt, it's only a compliment:

- If she doesn't see you
- In your mind
- If you're me

Yup.

Dear women who ALWAYS keep their armpits smooth...thanks.