Plastic forks? No. What do I do when someone at the table needs to be taught not to interrupt me? Nope. Good old fashioned steel for me.

I wish I had a wife.
No, not yours....not going through that again.

I can't wait until a vegan wins the Indy 500 and refuses to drink the milk.

When a cashier I'm not attracted to flirts with me, I buy extra small condoms.

Did you know that for another $0.25, you can order your street hot dogs WITHOUT fecal matter and spit?
 It's worth it.

In pictures everyone says "Cheese!", but I say "I'm dating your mom!"
so when the photo is snapped, everyone is looking at ME!