"Mr Gore, I'm sorry...you're NOT President." -Australian host of America's next top model on her previous job

I have a handle bar penis. But no mustache.

High fructose corn syrup is now corn sugar... in a related story bullets are now called high speed hot compresses.

Hi everyone. Allowing politicians to lie just because you agree with their ideology, makes YOU look like a moron. Thought you should know.

Guys who use their dogs to meet women are losers. *sees hot woman and puts on lab coat and stethoscope* "Free breast exams here!"

When someone overhears you speak ill of them it's bad, what's worse is sending them a transcription and Blue ray DVD of everything you said.

I'm watching the twitter movie right now. They try to trick you by calling it "Thai Teen hookers" but I'm not fooled. Two thumbs up!

Talk about blatant, I went to the flea market and they were selling elections. Supreme court, you are soooo cool.

Men care about "Stretch marks" the same amount that we'd care about window streaks at our favorite restaurant. We don't notice, we want in.

If you are eye to eye with your dog and about the same weight...it's only a matter of time...get you affairs in order.

Fuck cliques. People in them may consider you too small to be a part of them...but if you don't care, you're actually too massive for them.