If they ever came up with a device that feels as good as being with a woman...we'd still want women and period week would be more tolerable.

I didn't know that gas was free...the people that drove ALL of the gas out of my car think so. Soon, I'll show them ER visits are free too.

My feelings about the wait for midterm elections are the exact opposite of a kid's wait for Christmas. I can't wait for this shit to end.

Hey, i'm a comedian and using sitcoms as a guide, I should soon be married to a smoking hot woman that is always pissed at me. WIN! Wait...

I'm not too old to trick or treat, right? And today isn't too early to do it, right? Well, aren't we judgmental?

Blood Diamonds = Bad

Blood Fast Lane = (You asked for it ass wipe move it!)

Do you know what I do when my sports teams lose? I say “Aw man” then continue with my day. This DOES NOT make me LESS of a fan. That being said, being mean to strangers because of the athletic achievements of millionaires that don’t and will never know of my existence DOES NOT make me MORE of a fan. Let’s be adults. (Just kidding. Fucking with other teams fans is totally cool. Yeah, I’m from Philly. YOU GOT A FRIGGIN’ PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!)

Let's just change the name to The Chamber of FOREIGN Commerce.