Was thinking marriage one day, but it's cheaper to watch one of those "Housewives of" shows. An angry wife not f*cking me and NO alimony? Cool.

Gee, I wonder if James O'Keefe got his ass whipped a lot in school. My guess...YES.

Don't tell the heavy lady that buying an omelet isn't good for her if you just got out of a car that has breaks that squeak while you park.

Is there a special "non pixelation when it rains or snows" package I can purchase from Direct TV?

I hate bugs. I'm tired of talking about my plans for world domination in the shower with the radio blasting. Repeating yourself sucks!

Washington DC...the black hole that devours common sense & compassion. Shame on you.

What is it about the combination of rain drops and car interiors that turns people into f*cking morons?

You know how people say "time just flew by"...well this last four hours flew directly into my jaw. Ow!

Politicians for sale! Everything must go! 50% off because the balls, hearts and brains are gone...

Man, you shouldn't have tempted her, here comes the kitchen sink! Now that you're broken up, can I get her number? She's feisty! #dbagfriend

I've officially moved into the "cool for an old guy" part of my life according to my teen family members. I should bang their friend's moms.

Have you ever looked at a hot lady with tattoos and get the feeling that the tattoos are there to cover up gunshot wounds?

I've never actually been to a hooker...but I'm thinking about it. Nah, I'll just find someone easy. (ladies only)

Commercials now have to be at the same volume as TV shows! Thanks Senate! Now, could you shut up the homophobes and racists?

What's with all of the toy recalls? It's looking more like a plan than a coincidence. This'll teach those kids to spill on my rug!"