Apparently you CAN'T use an unsheathed Samurai sword as a walking stick. Why, because it's Japanese? Racists!

If I hear "Job killing" attached to anything else this political season, I'm going to do an Elvis on my TV.

"Feel good comedy" = "This movie blows"

I'm looking for a nanny. I figure, if I start sleeping with her now, by the time I find a wife and have kids, it'll be out of my system.

I want weed legalized. I’m hilarious to sober people, imagine how funny I’d be if everyone was f*cked up!

Her: "Stop staring, take a picture it'll last longer!"

Him: "So, you're saying I CAN take pictures?"

Her: *puts hand on taser in purse*

Politics is like the NFL, if your team wins you feel good for a week, but your life still blows. Oh, and the players are rich & you're not.

I just got a letter from Roger Goodell warning me about possible concussions due to vicious headboard strikes. I like my women wild!!!!!

I refuse to do a "The biggest ass with the biggest ass" joke regarding Kim Kardashian dating Kanye West...I refuse damn it!