Lesson 1) Don't hold a drooling newborn in the air when your mouth is open.

Lesson 2) don't get mad at me for laughing at what happens next.

Full of "piss" and "vinegar"...what? Anyone using this phrase will NEVER make salad for me. Or anything else for that matter.

I'm texting MY junk to that lady that Brett Favre texted his to. I mean, the bar (pun intended) is set pretty low. Damn, I'm impressive!!

Unlimited text, minutes and web. If only the company could supply people with shit to say. How much for that?

Some significant others don't want you to BE happy...THEY want to MAKE you happy. I say THEY can go f*ck THEMSELVES.

Skeet shooting puppies is wrong, right? No...it's not what you're thinking. Puppies is my neighbor's last name.

The THIRD date= sex? Damned hookers and their NEW rules. I am NOT driving out to this corner 2 more times! There are weirdos out here!

Am I the only one who thinks that it’s hilarious to watch football players over-celebrate a routine play only to have it called back? The look on the players face…priceless. It’s the same look a person has on their face when they “dump” you when you really wanted to dump them…and they can tell. Once again….priceless.

Whenever I see an action film, there is always a guy with his mouth open, screaming and beating up the bad guy. I can tell you, unfortunately having been in a few fights, that the guy with his mouth open, screaming...is the one getting HIS ass whipped in real life. I just thought that you should know.