I love hot nerdy women. They're female Clark Kents. When you get them home and the glasses come off, whew! Trust me, they have superpowers!!
World cup fans, stop blaming hot girlfriends for losses. Hell, the only reason men get GOOD at anything is to GET hot girlfriends! Duh!!!
It's not a coincidence that the car horn sound is used to bleep cursing on TV. Look behind you, it looks like the driver is getting bleeped.
It ain't stalking if you hire someone else to do the filming, right? Well, your honor? Uh, oh...
Would someone please tell the people on my porch that they're supposed to follow me ON TWITTER! Thanks. No, not you hot lady...YOU can stay....
The vuvuzela: taking away the "Can I stop now, my mouth is tired" excuse from women since the 1970s!
There are a lot of stupid people in the world. It's time to give them their own state. (Insert your favorite state full of dopes here)
Teens...as adults we know that you're conspiring whenever you whisper. That's when we listen closely and catch you. Thanks.
...in the mirror practicing my NEW go eff yourself face. It's coming along very nicely. Yeah, this one will really piss people off!
"I'm not my dad! You'd better roll that up there your damned self" -Sisyphus Jr. decides not to join the family business
Why aren't cave paintings more valuable? I mean, you get a cave with it. Who can steal that!?! *Salesman speaks* "I'll throw in the bear!"