Mr. Thomas Speaks...

I could have shoplifted, been prosecuted, served my time, gotten released and turned my life around faster than ACTUALLY shopping today.

I'm multitasking right now because I'm not really concerned about doing any of these things with accuracy...I mean these aren't MY brakes.

Efficient= getting the job done right. Effective= getting out of the whorehouse BEFORE the raid and BEFORE paying.

Pretending that I give a damn is exhausting. I'm going to stop now...Yeah, that's so much better. I think from now on....I'll do this.

Why do people still try to be shocking on these award shows? Let me tell you about a little thing called "YouTube"...

Shut up advertising! I will decide who I think is attractive damn it! Jessica Alba? Halle Berry? Hmm... uh...carry on. I'll shut up now...

It's official. Meteorologists are now 10 times hotter than models.

Wow! I learn soooo much during these 15 second sideline interviews.

Instant replay now! These refs and umpires suck. You can impeach a President, but you get fined if you disagree with a ref wtf!?!

Elton...Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Really? What time is your show at Fred Phelps' house? C'mon man.

Hi, TV producers...you DON'T have to create a reality show about EVERYTHING! Thanks, sincerely...everyone in the world over 19.