Yeah, that's what I thought about today....

Why does my neighbor participate in street cleaning, but won't participate in NOT BEING AN A-HOLE? I'd much prefer the latter.

DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies when they're trying to do something. Thanks.

I'm doing a ancient dance & shaking a feather over the cut on my nephews knee. Why? Because I went to #BPmedicalschoolforantiquatedpractices

Ladies, help me understand. If you're happy with us, we can kiss all on you, but if you're mad or a sleeping stranger or an unaware cop no?

I'm the only one in the car not cursing when someone cuts me off. Why? Because I have their plate number...and lots of time! *evil laugh*

Left wing?... Right wing?...no...Austerity?... Asceticism?...no... Left leg?... Right leg?...no. I prefer the middle path, just like The Buddha.

What do you do if the neighbor's cat pulls back it's fur and shows you a gun? In other news, don't eat brownies from the stoner next door...

July 4th is coming up...the day when stupid people turn their high fives into high threes. Prepare to ask for help at the urinal!

Wait a minute! I think the BP spill is just a delayed Y2K problem! I'm so glad that I kept my water and supplies in the basement!!!!

I'm looking for a good woman, who will act like a bad woman, while dressed like catwoman... DON'T JUDGE ME!

Don't taze me bro, don't taze me bro! It's amazing...I have yet to hear a person speak in proper English while being tasered.

A friend told me that as a kid he "enjoyed himself" with a vacuum. He just asked to borrow my lawnmower. For his safety, I'm saying no.