I gave kids advice this year for Halloween, "Leave Mr. Thomas alone, unless your mom is a MILF...I have treats for HER."

Duh…I’m a voter…if you guys give policies derogatory names and repeat them enough…that makes it true, right?

Pre-chewed candy doesn't move as fast as you'd think. Ungrateful little...

Ever see a hot young person be mean to someone and wish you were younger, not to date them, to be there when the looks fade and their world crumbles?

You know who you are...

Special Message to people that make snide or hurtful comments to others. It's similar to a stone sharpening a knife. The knife isn't destroyed by the stone, it gets sharper. As the knife gets sharper, the stone shrinks in size and eventually is discarded. No one has a kitchen drawer full of stones...but they do have knives in there. You know who you are. I will not elaborate.

PDA's are beautiful, but at some point either start f*cking or calm the hell down.

If only the terrorists would put bombs in the phones of people that don't know how to shut the heck up on the elevator...

Saw a gorgeous woman and wished that I had someone like her, until I heard her yell at her guy for not repaying 75cents to her. Damn!

The kids in this store could make the Dalai Lama rethink his views on corporal punishment.

I'm covering myself in bed bug poison and sleeping nude in random dirty hotels. That's right bed bugs! It's go time you bastards!!!

As someone who is far from a wonk, but IS informed enough to easily debunk 98% of TV ads, WITHOUT Google, I want to opt out of seeing them.

Special message to political candidates that email me and call me daily...I ALWAYS VOTE! Shut up!

(Insert slickly veiled reference to genitals, wealth and or incredible sexual prowess) Ladies?

Hold it...they STILL make SPAM?

Hey terrorists, since killing people hasn't worked out for you...how about NOT doing that? Just a thought. Assholes.

The person that creates carbonated soda that DOESN'T explode...will have taken away a classic practical joke from generations of dopey kids.

I love my niece, my little cousins and my nephews...but this is definitely a screaming "STFU kids!" in my head type of evening.

BOOM! YEAH! HAHA! THAT'S RIGHT! (I'm just practicing being an obnoxious d-bag so I'll be ready when I do something impressive athletically)

Skating with the stars + Jersey Shore + political ads = (S. Anthony's Expatriation)

I know that the voting booth looks like a urinal, but don't do anything in there that pisses on the country...ya dig?

I'm giving out tofu this year. It's better than a pit bull on the porch for "begging kid" stopping effectiveness.

My friend kept smiling while talking about "Running a red light" He didn't mean what I thought. Hint: It involves his wife & I threw up...

I don't tell people who I vote for usually and I won't now...but I'll give you a hint...the non-racist ones. That's all I'll say.

Baseball fans, wait until the ball leaves the field BEFORE you cheer. When it turns out to be a routine fly ball... you look like idiots.

If a hot friend describes the perfect person and it's you, but they won't give you the time of day...they did you a favor. They're idiots.

Cutting off your nose to spite your face: The November 2nd Election movie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Man, the weather is crazy. (If you say this to someone within two days of sleeping with them...THEY ARE NOT THE ONE!)

Why do the new flu shots require your nurse to pinch your nipples during the shot? NO, YOU'RE NAIVE!!

My neighbors are going to start thinking that my family's last name is "F*cking people" because I'm always muttering that under my breath.

You'd be surprised how many people will try to light your imaginary cigarette.

Weirdos.

Ironic that San Fransisco and Texas are in the "World Series"...it kind of mirrors the political divide right now doesn't it?

A Better Country...

I find the level of anger that people express toward each other when the subjects of politics and or religion come up shameful. Think about this, it is virtually impossible in my opinion to speak to or about people with such massive amounts of hatred and viciousness unless in your mind...you've ALREADY dehumanized them.

Conservative. Liberal. Those are just words. There are NO positive or negative associations with either...except the ones that we place on them. The question is, why the labels? Because it's easier to step on a "liberals head" than to step on "Nancy's head". It's easier to call that guy a "Nigger" than to call "Jeff" that. That's what the labels are...excuses. Excuses to mistreat, to hurt, to kill. We should be and are much better than that.

Unfortunately being a good human being doesn't bring in good ratings, but who's fault is that? Ours. We reward assholes, we elect liars, we make racists multimillionaires, why? Because doing the right thing seems harder to do. In many ways, in the short run it probably is. But we must think long term. The people who fought for civil rights had NO idea that in their lifetime that they'd be able to right in the front of the bus or drink from any fountain or go to any school that they could afford. They didn't know, but they fought ANYWAY. How many of them do you think would believe you if you said "By the time you retire...there will be a Black President of The United States named Barack Hussein Obama?" None. But they fought anyway. So should we, if a better country is what we really want.

A friend was turned down for a job because of bad credit. Hmm, a guy who needs money badly and wants to work...yeah, why hire THAT guy?

The next one that does a "Paul the octopus didn't see it coming" joke will also not see something coming. It's size 13 & attached 2 my ankle.

Just because you're "in the house", don't think that you're not a slave.

There are some people in my family that make me hate the sound of my name.

Stepping on a woman's head isn't about politics...tell us about the tiny woman held down by someone else that scared you as a kid Tim...

Would it ruin the mood this Thanksgiving if I showed up with a bullhorn and screamed "Leave me alone and STFU every once in a while!" Well?

If YOU are embarrassed to ask a question, don't try to get me to ask it. If anyone is going to look like a dope...it's gonna be YOU!

Why were those people so polite and professional at that McDonalds?...i'm suspicious now...

The bird that crapped on my car flew into my neighbors sliding glass window. It wasn't injured, unless I hurt it's feelings by laughing. Ha!

It's better to be "Cute" than "Almost good looking" Don't believe me? Look at celebrity siblings....*waits*....exactly. Enough said.

DON'T give relationship advice to 20ish relatives, if it's accurate, you'll never get rid of them...unless you purposely give bad advice...

So...this isn't the flash mob? Is there any way to get you to consider looking the other way officer?

Why do these political ads have so many cartoons in them? Kids can't vote!

A buddy asked if the new Eric Benet song describes my feelings about my ex. Apparently it's called "No I don't want you back you lying cow!"

Special Message to "Slick"politicians....

Hey politicians that follow/humor these extremists, you know those those second amendment remedies that they are so fond of? Those are going to be directed at ANYBODY that those people disagree with. Remember, it's in your nature to lie to and cheat the people that you work for...so, what do you think these people will do then? And to whom? You are doing the equivalent of spraying "Essence of field mouse" on your balls and sleeping bottomless next to a half blind rattlesnake with anger issues. Enjoy yourselves jackasses!

Apparently you CAN'T use an unsheathed Samurai sword as a walking stick. Why, because it's Japanese? Racists!

If I hear "Job killing" attached to anything else this political season, I'm going to do an Elvis on my TV.

"Feel good comedy" = "This movie blows"

I'm looking for a nanny. I figure, if I start sleeping with her now, by the time I find a wife and have kids, it'll be out of my system.

I want weed legalized. I’m hilarious to sober people, imagine how funny I’d be if everyone was f*cked up!

Her: "Stop staring, take a picture it'll last longer!"

Him: "So, you're saying I CAN take pictures?"

Her: *puts hand on taser in purse*

Politics is like the NFL, if your team wins you feel good for a week, but your life still blows. Oh, and the players are rich & you're not.

I just got a letter from Roger Goodell warning me about possible concussions due to vicious headboard strikes. I like my women wild!!!!!

I refuse to do a "The biggest ass with the biggest ass" joke regarding Kim Kardashian dating Kanye West...I refuse damn it!

My quick political commercial...

Hi, My name is S. Anthony Thomas. My friends call me S. Anthony. I am an American citizen and I happen to be very intelligent. Many of us are. I listen to your ads and the lies are so thick that I can debunk them instantly. Google isn't needed. You of course know that many people are too busy trying to keep their heads above water after the crisis your greed created, to bother fact checking anything that opposes their personal ideology. (Or more likely, they just need an excuse to hate people different than them.)

An open mind requires work. Many won't do the work, they allow you to divide people with your lies and shaded truths. You have no shame. Unfortunately, racism, sexism & homophobia seem to be your weapon of choice. Do you not realize that a weapon is used against an enemy? The American people are not your enemy...but you act like it.

I'm S. Anthony Thomas and I approve this message...but not your actions.

I wonder if 19th century racists are jealous of current ones like old NFL players are of young NFL players. "In my day we were racist for free! We didn't have cable news jobs waiting for us!

I can't wait until we have a PERFECT person in office. What? This is the REAL world?... Crap.

I want to get that bell sound effect from the Springer show. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY!!!

When one of my posts/tweets disobeys me, I send it over to Facebook for a time out.

I don't use checks and I rarely carry cash. That's what heavy sleepers on the subway are for.

People that cut you off in traffic because they just bought a new sports car should be flown to Singapore and caned on live tv.

No sport is so complicated that it needs an hour pregame show.

The Security Guard

Hello, I'm with security. Limitations, negativity, xenophobia...we're going to have to ask you to leave. You weren't invited to the party. I've already checked with Mr Thomas...he's the one that's having you thrown out!

I still have too many "umyeah" friends. That's one who says or does things so stupid or crazy you just look at them and say "Um, yeah..."

"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you..." unfortunately, in some people's version of the bible, those words are written in invisible ink.

Hate is like an abundance of empty calories...the only difference is instead of going to your ass it makes you act like one.

"No, he/she did it!" -Every Political Commercial

Juan Williams & Rick Sanchez star in..."The Odd Comment Couple" get your tickets now at the Fox News Theater!!

It's strange to me that it's not the sex that I miss most about being in a relationship. It's the EVERYTHING ELSE.

Did you know that if a person abruptly restarts a conversation after you’ve left a room thus dragging you back in…in many states it’s legal to drop kick them? NO, YOU make things up for YOUR benefit!

What year is this? I'm thinking that leaving my coffee alone at the table while I went to the bathroom was a bad idea. Are YOU melting?

Supporting your teams...good. Being an ass about it...bad. Mainly because YOUR teams suck and YOU'RE an idiot. Damn, let's try that again...

"Ide"ology. Just like the word itself...ideologies won't let you complete an "idea."

Yeah stupid 20something at the next table, women love it when you call them crazy in front of their friends in public. Enjoy your evening!

Imagine how much further along as a nation we would be if emotional intelligence was the norm, instead of an aberration.

Special message to the morons that use their cell phone cameras to take pictures under women's dresses. Aside for being immoral and disgusting, when you get home to "enjoy' the picture...that just it...it's still just a picture. It just like the pictures of naked women who willingly show their underwear...minus the arrest, being outed as an idiot and getting violated in county lockup by some dude with nothing to lose.

Regarding Voter intimidation... I wish a motherf*cker would try that with me. That is all.

When you look up and say "What's it all for?" and someone behind you says "Light bulbs are to help you see at night..." you feel stupid.

When you load up your cart with cleaning products...people look at you funny...

...maybe also purchasing a shovel and mumbling "He shoulda listened!, I told him not to push me!" didn't help.

Why do people decide to argue with the gas station attendant over a quarter when i'm in a hurry? Please cosmos, flatten all 4 of his tires.

I really wish that the lowest denominator wasn't so common.

There are certain phrases that you can say, and names that you can your woman ONLY WHEN YOU'RE DEEP INSIDE HER! Learn this early young men.

A woman's skin is beautiful, soft & imminently lick/slurp/nibble/kissable. Real men like that. Stop airbrushing the personality out of it!

What's with all of these of these really old people dying all of a sudden? Oh.

I 'm thinking of joining a tea party group because I want to see what it's like to have a bunch of racists look away from me dismissively while simultaneously pointing to me over their shoulders with their thumbs. That would be cool!

Not ALL prisons have bars...nor are they ALL imposed upon us by OTHERS. Seek freedom, it's your natural state, no matter what some jealous jackass in your real life or some dope on television says. Ya dig?

10 straight political commercials during the news, then a commercial for jackass... foreshadowing at it's best.

Pinch me, I'm dreaming....again please...NO, you're weird for getting into it!

Rise up sane America! Rise up and...huh? Okay, are you going to do it AFTER Jersey Shore goes off? Cool, I'll be right here...waiting...

Have you ever had someone SAY something that FOREVER changed how you felt about or looked at them? When it's in a positive way, it's awesome...but if not...

I'm surprised that Oprah didn't bring up Pat Boone's anti Obama hatred when Debbie Boone was being interviewed. Or did I miss it?

Damned economy. My stalker is doing a brown out. She only follows me and licks my clothes Monday-Thursday. My weekends suck now!

TV cooking shows = sexual double entendre sound bite manufacturing plants.

You mean those people in political commercials are NOT just concerned citizens? Damn. Well I'll talk to you later. It's time for cable news.

Pillows don't taste as good as the showered and pudding topped ass of the last woman that I slept with...said someone else...who isn't me.

Tancredo, O'Donnell, Angle, Paladino....really? Get ready to hear more from people like this when we get a Latino or Asian President too.

You know that cockroach that keeps eating even when you turn on the kitchen light? Welcome to politics 2010! Also, clean your nasty kitchen.

Easy Button?

Much like the "Easy" button at Staples, we the electorate have a "Self Destruct" button. How else do you explain the existence of all of the extreme and disgusting politicians. The only reason that the practices of these people still persist is our inability to rid ourselves of these people. It's actually easy. VOTE ASSHOLES OUT!

The weirdos and the assholes are NOT the majority, yet we are about to INCREASE their power over our government. We should get rid of this vicious, xenophobic and hurtful ideology now! The "Mainstream Media" is NOT doing their job. They are essentially just the television equivalent of Microsoft Office....highlight, cut and paste. The sad part is that they cut and paste whatever is loudest, and right now...the lies are loudest. Too bad. Come to think of it, we do have an "Easy" button. It's easy to do nothing.

"I'm thinking of quiting sugar cold turkey"

"You mean COLD TOFU..."

"Uh, it's ok for you to speak of meat dude."

#myveganfriendisagoofball

The fact that the candidate with the most money wins speaks more to voters laziness than to money's power. It's just paper, it's powerless.

The kitchen sink<- Is this the last part of a colloquial phrase or a stereotypical 40's era Native American describing a foundation problem?

Just helped my 6 YEAR OLD cousin with her homework, so I AM smarter than a, huh?...smarter than a 5th GRADER? Whoa, I know my limits!

Tabloid reporters are a little too gleeful and giggly when they spread news about a person's personal tragedies. You can almost see them smile when they say Cancer, Divorce etc. Well, I think that style of journalism is a Cancer on society...and I've divorced myself from their product.

"I will lie to you, steal your money, bang your sister and feel nothing...yes I'm a politician." #notarealquoteputtootrueanyway

Incompetence is a virtue? Thanks Washington DC! Is that bizzarro superman over there?

You can tell what type of neighborhood a person grew up in by their reaction to a car back firing. Bring that guy a mop please.

Can we change the phrase from "Planting his seed" to "Watering her lawn" or "Filling her pool?" Those sound more manly damn it!

A message for people who spew racism, sexism, any negative "ism". What good do you think will come of it? Is being an asshole that much fun?

When you're standing among your friends and family...if you see nothing but assholes...wait...this post is going all wrong...

Cellphone cameras have moved people past the Mendoza Line of jerkdom into the All-star league of assholishness.

"Hey girl, It's time for your uterus to do some window shopping!" #badeuphemismforsexwithacondomon

Why aren't people suspicious as to why secret billionaires spend millions to get a stranger a $100,000 per year job? Nothing shady there...

Validation is like a drug, small amounts are healthy, too much can kill you and if you get it from a hooker your balls burn. Wait, what?...

These young, cool celebrities are missing out on a lucrative endorsement. If they started wearing Depends, and made them hip...$$$$

"I don't care" should NEVER be followed by a twenty minute list of things that you DON'T WANT! NEVER...or go to the store YOURSELF!

I feel like kicking ass and taking identities. YOU stop at just taking names, wuss!

"No! No! No!" - Don't EVER anger a three input woman. EVER.

"If you don't keep it down, I'll turn this car right around!" #thingscarjackersdontfindfunny

Special message to d-bags...we (everyone else) feel about you, the way we know that you feel about you. We don't like you. Thank you.

Gave my 20something cousin a ride to a baby shower. She was mortified that someone thought we were a couple. Like i'd dump my Aunt for her.

I have some comic friends that are MUCH more successful than I am. Duh! Someone I know said to me “You’d probably be further along if you were a little jealous of them.” I say if that’s the price of admission…no thanks. I’ll get there, but I’ll get there WITHOUT that.

Please don't answer innocuous questions too seriously. "Nice WEATHER" shouldn't proceed "I don't know WHETHER to stay with my wife" STFU!

Murders...hours per week of airtime. In-depth analysis and accuracy regarding politics....still waiting...

Apathy and extremism lead to the same result. Failure. See you in November America.

I'll post more stuff in a minute, I want to hear how the story in this song ends. Apparently this guy is rich and sleeps with lots of ladies. Go on...

Would I like to know where these politicians get their money? Of course! But what I'd really like to know is where do they get their "facts" from? I say this because they lie so openly that I don't even need to go to a separate information source to debunk them...unless you consider general knowledge & common sense separate information sources.

If you're riding in a shuttle, it's not a confidence builder to see a DRIVERS WANTED sign that looks too old or too permanent or both.

I don't believe in spanking children. I do however get dressed up as a child while being...your judgmental look says more about you...

When YOU vote, do YOU also feel like you're spinning the wheel on "The Price is Right?"

Shaq vs Brett Favre in a "Junk picture texting" contest. I think Shaq will win this one. Just a hunch.

The enemy of my enemy doesn't exist. Why? Because I have no enemy, other than the lie that enemies exist.

Soooo, Jackass 3D WASN'T the recent debates? Awkward....

Special message: Louis Vuitton DOES NOT have trunk and dark alley distribution centers.

Is there such a thing as a "near nymphomaniac?"...because that's what my next girlfriend is going to HAVE to be.

I'd a few extra bucks per month for a "political commercial free" cable experience. Wouldn't you?

Special message to rich and famous people: the broke person that you're humping will eventually sell pictures of your genitals to someone.

Special message to people who want to see the genitals of the rich and famous: they look just like yours.

Oh, so my armor has to shine now!?! That's why we're not together! NOTHING is EVER good enough!! - A Knight in slightly smudged armor

I wonder if friends of the guy that does the narration on the PBS Frontline series get creeped out when they talk to him on the phone.

Extremism is a self perpetuating societal disease. Thanks for sharing/infecting everyone else with it assholes.

Imagine Sherri Shepherd with Rachel Ray's butt or Rachel with Sherri's boobs. Sweet...sweet lord. Oh...my...yes...yes...yes...

I have long time friends that are conservative, and we're still friends. It doesn't matter to me that they're always wrong politically.

I can't believe that Elisabeth Hasselbeck attacked Bill O'Reilly like that. Haahahahahahaha. Yeah right.

Are you wearing a thong so it'll be easier to talk out of your ass?

Politics and Sports: Making people irrationally and viciously attack strangers since....unfortunately the beginning.

Some have a problem with READING comprehension, and others with COMPREHENSION itself. I've been running into the latter today.

Let me tell you something funny about Brett Favre and the Segway guy...huh? Over already? Damn....

Some people have "Hatred Tourettes" The cure...a pill called critical thinking. The side effect...compassion.

Forget gold! I just found some cheap political points in my basement! People will do ANYTHING for these. Hellooo Antiques Roadshow!

I can't wait until this election is over. Carrying this umbrella during this shit storm is getting tiring.

Apparently judging by the 400 commercials per hour...there is an airline named Southwest that I need to be made aware of.

Breaking News! Joe the plumber caught trying to climb down Chilean mine shaft to get his 16th minute of fame. Film @ 6 & 11!

If YOUR actions cause unfair discomfort to ANOTHER person, YOU don't get to make smart ass comments to THEM. Thanks.

Forget kissin', my cousin had better give it up! #thingsthatiwillneversay

How long before there is a "Deep bowl Chilean CHILI" special at DENNY'S?

I ate a Cheeseburger at a Chinese Restaurant. No...it's NOT on the menu. YES...I am the man. Take that other diners! Take it hard! Ha!

If you treat your kids like you hate them, then I hate you, even if we haven't met. You are shit.

I've been out of the dating scene for a while. Is holding a woman's butt in your hands & licking her for 90min still a good pre-sex warm up?

Local commercial producers, hiring a tall skinny black guy DOESN'T make us think he's The POTUS. It makes you look lame. Thanks.

Me, me, me, is a good way to tune up your voice....but as a way to run a society...not so good. Just saying...

Breaking news! 45 Solar energy miners were rescued from...oh. Nevermind.

I would NEVER send a text picture of my "stuff' to some lady. Please. My camera shoots VIDEO. Get your popcorn ready! And your checkbook.

Forget what your doctor thinks ladies. According to the Lucille Roberts commercial you lose weight by dancing badly in 80's era spandex.

Uh, just in case people forgot...we're NOT supposed to reward hate politically. I'm S. Anthony Thomas and I approve this message.

Gee, I wonder if the spike in atheism has anything to do with people perverting religion and using it as a bludgeon against people?

"Whites only" fountains = wrong

"People who AREN'T nasty bastards only" fountains = necessary

I'm disgusted that Brett Favre would send pictures of a kid's...huh? It's HIS? HA! Dude have a thermostat at 30degrees in the shot at least!

Hi, mainstream media, american citizen here...stop giving yourselves Edward R. Murrow awards until you live up to his standards. Thanks.

Isn't it everything portion control?

Ungrateful + loud = You're an asshole.

So, you can text without looking at the phone? Cool. I can cancel your cellphone service without looking away from the game.

Courtney Cox, Sandra Bullock, Elin Woods, my rebound/transition guy services are available. FYI, i'm no Brett Favre if you know what I mean.

I'm starting to think that this shoeshine guy just wants to look at my you know what. First, I'm at a urinal and second he retired in '87

Someone texted the picture of Favre's junk to the Chilean Minors...and their laughs could be heard on the surface.

Hi actors, you went on a ride along. YOU ARE NOT A REAL SPY! Stop taking yourself so seriously...oh and STFU!

"Being a Carl Paladino is a life choice, I think that young people should not necessarily exposed to it..." - Normal Adults

Diseases, broken hearts, emotional scars. Those are the side effects of infidelity. Worth it? No. Stop being pieces of shit. Thanks.

You can't celebrate in the end zone...and you can't text pictures of your genitals to sideline reporters. Finally, my NFL fantasy is dead.

I'm in the mood to do something to this guy annoying me that will land me my own reality show.

I want to have a daughter someday...that way I can do the "Steve Wilkos chair throw" to intimidate her date. "YOU don't get to sit down!"

See this "Damn", huh?....sorry, can't give it to ya!

I don't like politics. None of them think about or care about us. At some point we must elect MEN and WOMEN and NOT these CHILDREN.

Racists, misogynists, homophobes, you're the mugger on the subway car, we will cower no more. This is YOUR stop motherf*cker! Get off!

Please, someone tell me that it was Carl Paladino holding Brett Favre's d*ck in that sexting picture. That would be cool.

Lesson 1) Don't hold a drooling newborn in the air when your mouth is open.

Lesson 2) don't get mad at me for laughing at what happens next.

Full of "piss" and "vinegar"...what? Anyone using this phrase will NEVER make salad for me. Or anything else for that matter.

I'm texting MY junk to that lady that Brett Favre texted his to. I mean, the bar (pun intended) is set pretty low. Damn, I'm impressive!!

Unlimited text, minutes and web. If only the company could supply people with shit to say. How much for that?

Some significant others don't want you to BE happy...THEY want to MAKE you happy. I say THEY can go f*ck THEMSELVES.

Skeet shooting puppies is wrong, right? No...it's not what you're thinking. Puppies is my neighbor's last name.

The THIRD date= sex? Damned hookers and their NEW rules. I am NOT driving out to this corner 2 more times! There are weirdos out here!

Am I the only one who thinks that it’s hilarious to watch football players over-celebrate a routine play only to have it called back? The look on the players face…priceless. It’s the same look a person has on their face when they “dump” you when you really wanted to dump them…and they can tell. Once again….priceless.

Whenever I see an action film, there is always a guy with his mouth open, screaming and beating up the bad guy. I can tell you, unfortunately having been in a few fights, that the guy with his mouth open, screaming...is the one getting HIS ass whipped in real life. I just thought that you should know.

She's yelling "You're not a real Doctor, how'd you get in here!?!" And all this time I thought women liked their boobs kissed! Fickle.

2 girls, one cup... Brett Favre's junk. Two things I never will look at. The reaction videos are probably indistinguishable though.

Cellphones add geotags to pictures, so I'm going to do all of my sexting from YOUR backyard ok?

Special message to people who try to take a mile when you GRACIOUSLY give them an inch. Fuck you, now you get NOTHING!!!!

I'm in the process of purging the dysfunctional...I should hang a sign over my door that says "Functional Only" It's time.

It's funny how yelling some things takes the romance out. "I LOVE THE WAY YOU SMELL AND TASTE!" It's better whispered isn't it? Well?

♫ Do you believe in life after love?♫ Yes, but I'm more interested in life during!

I’ve been writing and telling jokes all of these years (and no sitcom)…and all that I had to do to get an hour of primetime television is set my family on fire? NOW you tell me. Thanks 46 hours mysteries! (Yeah, I know it’s 48 hours. I’m trying to not get sued SHUT UP!)

Hey, just keeping it real...

I've finally realized why porn started to bore me long ago and why even though I've used it in my humor (and will continue to)...I'm just not that into it anymore. When you're a young man and vaginal access is a novelty to you, you tend to be more greedy and ego driven. Look at most porn, the woman tends to be nothing more than a masturbatory extension of the man's arm. He's always more interested in "Pounding" her than enjoying the process.

I've been guilty of that before. I was one of those guys who wanted to "Get up in those guts" or "Slice that" or "Bust that ass" etc. Ego...ego...ego. This mindset ignores the emotional side. People would be surprised to know how much the mind and emotions play a role in orgasms.

I don't care how "Hot" A person is, they CAN'T make you feel what a person you really care about can make you feel. (Well, not after the first 3 months anyway. Hey, just keeping it real) Once I realized this and felt the pleasures of sex...WITH CARING, I thought "Damn! It could have been feeling like THIS?" I know now. I took the red pill. I will not settle. (Unless it takes too long to find my next serious girlfriend...then...I'm probably going to do SOME fucking. Hey, just keeping it real)

If they ever came up with a device that feels as good as being with a woman...we'd still want women and period week would be more tolerable.

I didn't know that gas was free...the people that drove ALL of the gas out of my car think so. Soon, I'll show them ER visits are free too.

My feelings about the wait for midterm elections are the exact opposite of a kid's wait for Christmas. I can't wait for this shit to end.

Hey, i'm a comedian and using sitcoms as a guide, I should soon be married to a smoking hot woman that is always pissed at me. WIN! Wait...

I'm not too old to trick or treat, right? And today isn't too early to do it, right? Well, aren't we judgmental?

Blood Diamonds = Bad

Blood Fast Lane = (You asked for it ass wipe move it!)

Do you know what I do when my sports teams lose? I say “Aw man” then continue with my day. This DOES NOT make me LESS of a fan. That being said, being mean to strangers because of the athletic achievements of millionaires that don’t and will never know of my existence DOES NOT make me MORE of a fan. Let’s be adults. (Just kidding. Fucking with other teams fans is totally cool. Yeah, I’m from Philly. YOU GOT A FRIGGIN’ PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!)

Let's just change the name to The Chamber of FOREIGN Commerce.

Alright! Google TV! Wait, what? Color and sound must be purchased à la carte? I knew that Verizon merger was bad news.

My friend reminded me of some of my older tweets. If I had a TV show back then and used the same humor, I'd have been soooo sued.

One of the funniest things to watch, is two guys who CAN'T fight, threaten each other. Hahahahahaha! Punk asses.

My friend tells me his wife complained that he slurps her nips too hard. Then she got them pierced! HOW HARD WAS HE SLURPING THEM!?! (TRUE)

What a wonderful world it'd be if it was illegal for politicians to lie...and my ex...and that guy that put on my new tires. 15mins my ass.

I'm one powerball win away from buying some elections. "King S. Anthony" sounds good...really good...*sinister laugh*

I'm eating a salad from McDonalds....check and mate. I have once again maintained my middleweight contrarian championship.

My birthday is exactly three weeks from now. Begin putting money away for my huge gifts. No, YOU'RE delusional!! I want gifts damn it! ;-)

As it turns out my close relative DOES NOT have cancer. Ha! #fuckcancer #fuckcancersmomtoo

Why are people so mad at gay dudes? Relax, they won't hurt you.

Special message to bullies...the secret is out. YOU'RE the one with the inadequacies. F*ck you!

No. Hitter. Roy. Halliday. Nuff. Said.

Had a talk with someone that's diametrically opposed to my politics, it started combatively but ended with kind words. Because we're grownups.

All of this rain = screw you rude guys at the carwash.

Westboro Baptist Church. Why? The world needs LESS hate. Also, stop giving them press please. Thanks.

Now that I've seen meteorologists talk about rain for 4 hours straight, I'm no longer amazed that infomercials talk about a mop for 30min.

Apparently my family has a language that I didn't know about. When you say "I'm in a hurry" it means "Talk slowly about minutia"

Street gangs NEVER scared me. These crazy people running for office and the blissfully ignorant who'll vote for them...well...

If you've never made love to a gorgeous woman, then had cornflakes and milk bottomless while watching CBS Sunday morning, YOU haven't lived.

Apparently 18-25 year olds think that I've moved into the sugar daddy stage of my life...and I'm okay with them THINKING that.

My contention...

Why is it that America only shows what it COULD be occasionally? My contention is...America is not this land mass. It's the people ON this land mass. ALL OF THEM. That INCLUDES people of color, homosexuals, trans-gender, people of different religions, people of NO religion, women and men etc.

Do you see how people treat each other at Christmas time and New Years? You get more smiles. Strangers talk to each other with respect and positive expectancy. It could always be like that. It's our collective choice.

Collective choice also comes into play in our politics. Are we really as a nation, going to put into power, people that are openly racist, homophobic & misogynistic? Are we really going to put into power people who take pride in openly kicking people when they're down? What does it take to make people stop and think? Just because a party in power USUALLY loses seats, doesn't mean that they HAVE TO. Especially not now.

We are better than this. I hope.

If YOU can get home with ANY french fries from McDonalds after ordering them at a drive thru...you are master of your domain!!

Hey, these protests and rallies have NOTHING to do with the President's color...HAHAHAHA! C'mon. It's Eyes on the Prize 2.0 right now.

If someone calls you at the top of their lungs, then says "Nevermind", you should be allowed to ignore them when the next emergency arrives.

Why do some people speak so loudly? Are they part of a scavenger hunt where someone must quickly find the biggest idiot in the room?

**********

Why don't guys pulling scams do a better job of assessing their marks? As soon as this dude started his fake sob story, I decided to humor myself by saying word for word what his request was going to be. I've lived in New York city, San Fransisco, Los Angeles and Philadelphia to name a few. I've seen it all. Once he realized that I was on to him, his back straightened, his speech improved and he actually said "You got me dude...sorry" Then he walked away. Yes Walked! Miraculous! I'm a healer!

The line forms to the left.

*********

Message to people who work with wild animals... *makes "what did you expect face"*

The road out of my life is one way.

I'm starting to think that the extremists running for office are really just the stars of the new movie "Jackass 4D"

Hi Democrats, remember me? -Your balls. (Sorry ladies, I didn't mean to leave you out of the insult...so here goes) -Your spine.

Politicians ALL have plans to solve our problems. In other news I have it all planned out what I'd do to Halle Berry in bed. Get it?

I'm starting to see "toppings" on women's bottoms as they walk past me.

An awakened man, when noticing the sleeping humanity surrounding him shows his true character by the number of boobs he doesn't slurp on.

Enough with the damned cellphone commercials! At this point there should be NO PLACE without coverage. Perfect THAT, then advertise.

Why stop at 18 games? Let's just make it a 100 game season....because the NFL takes such good care of retired players.

Why do we let politicians lie their asses off in commercials? Can't we at least hold them to the same standards that we have for vegetables?

I'm a critical thinker...do you hear that? It's the sound of me being dis-invited from several groups that require mindless group thinking.

Special message to assholes. Conflict isn't ALWAYS necessary, it is however SOMETIMES a necessary evil. Understand?

Playstation should change the name of it's new game from "Playstation Move" to "Suck it Wii."

Americans were given a travel warning about trips to Europe. Americans responded by asking “Who the fuck can afford to go to Europe? I’ve been jobless for 6 months!"

S. Anthony says...

It's taken a while but I've finally gotten over my biggest weakness. Perfectionism. It doesn't sound like much but it can be a life stopper. Imagine never giving your best because you were afraid of not being perfect. The funny thing is...many people feel the same way, but don't know it. Have you ever compared yourself negatively to someone else only to find out that they are just as flawed as you? Of course you have.

What I've learned, is how silly it is to even want to be perfect. Where's the joy in that? Truthfully, that would be really fucking boring. There'd be no surprises, no joy in learning, no improvements. Once again I say...FUCK THAT! I prefer to shoot for a combination of greatness...AND constant improvement. I don't care if the improvement is incremental or if it's exponential. I just want it to be CONSTANT. I want to be learning all the time, getting better all the time...and I'm telling you, it is possible. I'm beginning to see it. A life simplified is a life more easy to enjoy. Most complications are complete bullshit.

Women that start relationships with guys in prison for life, reside at the place where control freak and low self esteem meet.

As a man, you want your woman to ROAR like a Ferrari. You DO NOT want her Lexus QUIET. FYI, ladies for you, I'll sleep in the oil slick.

One Nation Rally---->Click Here

Whenever you go to a website and it makes a point of letting you know, that it knows what city you’re in…it’s annoying. It’s like the asshole that goes with you to see a movie that they’ve already seen and having that person constantly going “Here it comes! This part is cool! Here it comes!” STFU! I get it, you know stuff! Okay! Geez.

Watching extremists try to gain power in DC is like watching an a-hole drunk trying to get the car keys. Sorry, can’t let you hurt others.

I need to get a girlfriend. I'm tired of going through the "I hope she doesn't freak out when I want to (insert your kink here) her" moment.

"Mr Gore, I'm sorry...you're NOT President." -Australian host of America's next top model on her previous job

I have a handle bar penis. But no mustache.

High fructose corn syrup is now corn sugar... in a related story bullets are now called high speed hot compresses.

Hi everyone. Allowing politicians to lie just because you agree with their ideology, makes YOU look like a moron. Thought you should know.

Guys who use their dogs to meet women are losers. *sees hot woman and puts on lab coat and stethoscope* "Free breast exams here!"

When someone overhears you speak ill of them it's bad, what's worse is sending them a transcription and Blue ray DVD of everything you said.

I'm watching the twitter movie right now. They try to trick you by calling it "Thai Teen hookers" but I'm not fooled. Two thumbs up!

Talk about blatant, I went to the flea market and they were selling elections. Supreme court, you are soooo cool.

Men care about "Stretch marks" the same amount that we'd care about window streaks at our favorite restaurant. We don't notice, we want in.

If you are eye to eye with your dog and about the same weight...it's only a matter of time...get you affairs in order.

Fuck cliques. People in them may consider you too small to be a part of them...but if you don't care, you're actually too massive for them.