When we remove our glasses, step back and look objectively... we realize that this IS ALL A GAME. *gets up, walks from game board*

Losing is a disease that CAN be spread, so cover your mouth motherf*cker! - Me just now in my mind while listening to a really negative guy

Hey, medicine and vitamin companies, some of us DON'T have small kids in the house so you can make that stuff taste GOOD for US. Thanks.

I wish that my plumbing was a living organism, that way it could heal itself and if the plumber took too long to show up, I could call and say, "Nevermind, it feels better now."

My grandpa used to do magic tricks for us as kids. I've been waiting 15 years for his come back from the dead trick...YOU'RE A PHONY GRAMPS!

I hope when 60 minutes interviews ME someday that it's not a SURPRISE.

Netflix meet YouTube, YouTube meet Netflix. *Star trek fight music starts, they evil eye each other & draw swords* Uh, this was a bad idea...

The drug dealer around the corner won't let people drive off with the weed until he explains the side effects. What a pro.

I need to take a break from adult films by getting into an unhealthy relationship that is doomed to fail. Then...it'll be porno time again!

People won't get out of YOUR parking spot, so if you think a person is leaving a position of ULTIMATE power EASILY...get real. #egypt