When Tim Pawlenty does push-ups he doesn't push his body up, he pushes the Earth down!!! ;-)

Validation is a dish best served cold. Huh? It's REVENGE!?! Now I feel stupid for telling that carjacker that he has good taste in guns.

A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link...so can you please stop aiming a blow torch at it? #talkingheads

My penis works, I don't have psoriasis, and don't want to drive a semi truck. I am so NOT in the demographic for daytime TV.

If people getting shot doesn't make you rethink, it makes me think that you are incapable of thinking for yourself. That's what I think.

If you work with a bunch of idiots and you have the flu...please go to work early and lick the doorknobs. Thanks.

ALL homeless guys DON'T have golden radio voices and some WILL pull knives when you try to take them in your car and attempt to manage them.

I've NEVER ridden the porcelain bus...but I have left unsupervised packages in it.

TV...pitch meeting with valid ideas, no. Gain 300lbs, get drunk and slap people, say ill informed crazy sh!t...yes. Message received.

Is there a job opening on The Biggest Loser for a person to be the post weight loss or transition bang for the newly skinny single ladies?