OH, the hot lady at the coffee shop hated me because I'm the only one NOT to hit on her. I'm going to sleep with her to make HER feel better. Yeah, I'm a giver.

Special message to shockingly gorgeous unattached women who are currently NOT having sex with me...STOP THAT! Thanks.

Have YOU ever felt like the smart kid that people only play with when they need help with their homework? Yeah, it's been one of those...

Congress will now take up H2O - H, their new equally likely attempt to take Hydrogen atoms out of water. Thanks for not wasting time dweebs!

I want to become just famous enough to be offered a reality show so I can scream "F*ck no!". I've always wanted to scream that at somebody.