I wish my relatives would call to annoy me about doing something for them that they could do for themselves. It's been 10 minutes and I'm getting antsy.

If I can feel your breath on my neck, you're too close to me at the ATM. Oh, and stop grabbing my ass...

Mubarak firing everyone BUT HIM is like the guy who got your wife pregnant saying as he puts his pants on "Hey, I wore a condom this time!"

Cougars...is an older guy with the libido and stamina of an 18yr old okay? Asking for me.

Looking at my family sometime feels like watching a bad cable reality show with 3D glasses on. You know, without the joy of being able to turn it off...and with the agony of knowing that you share DNA.

Getting my car into a tight icy parking spot between a Lexus and a huge tree is FUN...

My teen cousins are making me overhear "The Bachelor" in the next room... don't know if I will ever walk into that room again.

When we remove our glasses, step back and look objectively... we realize that this IS ALL A GAME. *gets up, walks from game board*

Losing is a disease that CAN be spread, so cover your mouth motherf*cker! - Me just now in my mind while listening to a really negative guy

Hey, medicine and vitamin companies, some of us DON'T have small kids in the house so you can make that stuff taste GOOD for US. Thanks.

I wish that my plumbing was a living organism, that way it could heal itself and if the plumber took too long to show up, I could call and say, "Nevermind, it feels better now."

My grandpa used to do magic tricks for us as kids. I've been waiting 15 years for his come back from the dead trick...YOU'RE A PHONY GRAMPS!

I hope when 60 minutes interviews ME someday that it's not a SURPRISE.

Netflix meet YouTube, YouTube meet Netflix. *Star trek fight music starts, they evil eye each other & draw swords* Uh, this was a bad idea...

The drug dealer around the corner won't let people drive off with the weed until he explains the side effects. What a pro.

I need to take a break from adult films by getting into an unhealthy relationship that is doomed to fail. Then...it'll be porno time again!

People won't get out of YOUR parking spot, so if you think a person is leaving a position of ULTIMATE power EASILY...get real. #egypt

The people of Egypt sing Toni Braxton's "He wasn't man enough for me" to Hosni Mubarak. Film at 6 & 11.

See those couples that are so happy in the relationship that they're obnoxious? I want to be in one of those damn it! Or, Prince tickets...

Hosni Mubarak turned down by the Philadelphia Eagles when he inquired about the Defensive Coordinators Job. Reaction @ 6 & 11 #egypt

***

Oppression + time = protests

Compassion + time = healthy society

Lesson over.

***

Some couples are so unhappy that they have enough unhappiness left over to share with and leave with YOU. No thank you, keep it moving...

***

I just read an article about "Forgiving an Ex". I have. But will the guy that she's dating now ever forgive ME for not taking her back? I got out BEFORE she could ruin MY life...but that dope... the clock is ticking. Someone with more money than YOU will come along.

I often wonder if he thinks it was worth it, you know, the seeing her behind my back part. Personally, I'm indebted to him...as is my future wife, whoever she will be. I'll appreciate and enjoy being with a GOOD, FAITHFUL woman infinitely more now. Thanks!

***

Ove glove®, ScrubGlove®...please, please don't give the Scott® people any ideas. I DO NOT want to see that infomercial.

I was almost hit by other cars 15 times on the ice and snow today... ALMOST. Yeah, and you said driving bumper cars was a waste of time!

Unlike Egypt, we're smart enough to just lie via the media, not shut it down and overcharge for water, not cut it off. USA! USA! USA!

Egypt. An illustration of what happens when too much power is given to the wrong people. Also reality tv.

Special Message to the governments of the world...if what you do brings reasonable and intelligent people to the streets...you f*cked up!

As the protests in Egypt get more out of hand, Legendary Comedian Steve Martin was beaten because of his 70's hit "King Tut" film @ 11

Breaking News! Congress votes to make inhaling illegal, they want to stop air from "Illegally crossing the borders of our nostrils" Film @ 11

Hosni, Hosni, Hosni...you're the guy that gets the crap slapped out of him by the hot woman, then says "I didn't want HER anyway!" #mubarak

Can the people that experiment with DNA work on something that makes morons know to drive slowly and not too close on ice? Or alibi me.

MOIST towelettes. You're welcome. Don't ask...

You know that moment when a young relative goes from "adorable" to "pain in the ass teen"? ....aaand....ACTION!

I'm in better shape than I thought. I dug out the house and car by myself and...oh, can't talk now the E.R. doctor is back...

Hey homophobes, gay people go through THEIR day NOT hating YOU. Try returning the favor.

You ARE NOT in an open relationship, you are just the person that they are f*cking RIGHT NOW!! Don't make me shake you!

Comcast just bought ME, those mutha *alarm goes off, man whispers to me*... those mothers out there would be proud. *whispers* "Help me..."

"Lions and tigers and bears oh my!" -Commercial jingle after Taco bell finds a new meat source

Mattress store salesmen are creepy dudes, we should open MORE mattress stores to take them off of the street.

Denial ain't just a river in..... (Sorry, they just cut me off too)

I just tested Tracy Morgan's theory about Sarah Palin...not bad, not bad at all.

I want to sleep with an 18 year old again to see if I'd still like it. Not falling for that huh? Okay, got an older sister or easy friends?

NOTHING is unbiased. NOTHING. Well, that's just MY opinion. (FYI, I have NEVER been wrong about ANYTHING)

We know that "He wasn't born here" = "He's nothing but a...", you're fooling no one. It's the silent "N" word, but we still hear it. #AZ

Street parking is paying for permission to get out of your car to spend money. As a protest I'm occupying salesmen then buying NOTHING!

And now with HIS response to the State of the Union, that guy that creeps people out by the donut shop.

I hate politicians, political pundits, political news...being an informed citizen isn't all it's cracked up to be. Go jingoism-xenophobia!

It's not YOU...it's certainly not ME. It's your friends and family! You can't convince me that them ALL being crazy is a coincidence!

DO NOT pop nose zits on people that you DON'T know...that is not a pleasant way to wake up.

Where are these happy, well groomed families that are represented in these commercials? Maybe this is the "Before the big revelation shot"

Having to constantly scrape a foot of snow off of my car makes me long for hot summer days and just pigeon crap on the windshield.

Please create a reality show where Bachmann and Palin live together and passive aggressively try to out ill inform each other.

I hand painted the image of a shake weight on my condoms...I'm a little dehydrated now...but my life has NEVER been better. Thanks ladies!

What's with all of this sleet and snow, is mother nature working on commission now?

If I give a young relative good advice that I know he won't follow, is it wrong to practice my point, laugh & I told you so in front of him?

I love when I get to watch a whole movie on YouTube before they can take it down! Zeitgeist 3! Too late YouTube! Ha!

Just saw some of the cast of the new Celebrity Apprentice...Latoya Jackson, Gary Busey, Lil Jon...I WILL BE WATCHING THIS!

I hope in the state of the union, the President says something about making it illegal for Jillian Michaels to say no to me licking her abs.

Boehner and Biden look like an old married gay couple that are doing a bad job of hiding the fight that they had in the car on the way over.

If you call me before 10 am or after 10 pm and I'm not sleeping with you, you'd better be on fire or in an ambulance...or I'll make THAT so.

*finds out Oprah's secret is JUST a half sister, puts down video camera, looks at picture of Gayle, sighs, thinks about what COULD'VE been*

Damn, If I had answered my phone Sunday, I could have quarterbacked for the Bears. From now on, I'm screening my calls.

Having Individual freedom AND not allowing citizens to get sick and die ARE NOT mutually exclusive. It's difficult...but worth it. Right?

They got Keith O's ass off of the MSNBC site quickly, they are like a john putting a hair dryer to his genitals in the car on the way home!

Is there ANY way that we can put an end to this meaningless "Battle of the Sexes" and just start doing some serious f**king!?!

Shopping...sucks. Wait...the lady in front of me has a delicious looking bottom. Shopping now sucks less...

My 7yr old cousin called to talk to me during the last 2min of the NFC Championship game...and I did. Damned paternal instincts!

Abandoned building sandwiches. (Subway's original name, the owners really wanted it to be named after a urine scented enclosure)

"He's touching me mom!"
"No I'm not! My finger is right here NEXT to his face"
-Congress

Have you ever seen that sprint commercial where the lady breaks up with the guy across the table via her cellphone? Do YOU get the feeling that this lady (if she were real) would have all of her cats on her cell family plan in 5 years? Just asking?

I'm down to 99 problems cause I just solved one...

How do annoying people know just how long to talk, to make your soup too cool to enjoy but not cool enough to bother reheating? Bastards!

"Come here girl, let me release in your kraken!" #ifthisworksyouweregoingtogetsomeanyway

Marilyn Manson and Lady Gaga should start having kids.

"Daaaaaaaaaaamn!" - Every semi drunk d-bag as he watches a fight outside of a bar.

The new 99 cent menu at the bunny ranch!!!! - six months before "ranch dressing" is coined as a name for STD'S. (Just kidding, don't sue me)

"Activia, it kinda does stuff." Man, they must have had their asses sued off to be THAT vague in their commercials now!

I've seen 5 commercials for different Betty White shows. Who is she f*cking!?! ;-)

(I love Betty White!)

Who spilled this shinola all over the place!?! Huh, it's what? Oh. I guess my grandfather was right. I couldn't tell...

The Illuminati is really falling off. I hear they're down to recruiting Jerry Springer guests. No new world order this year...

Since they don't bother with fact checking, you'd figure that they'd have MORE content and LESS repeats on cable news.

There's TOO much MICRO thinking and not enough MACRO thinking in this world. Also, some people are jackasses.

Don't use motion detection cameras to make your sex tapes. Ours looked like a disembodied ass hovering over a woman with a backwards head.

Next week I'm pitching a show called "Make minor celebrities look like desperate ass wipes" Would you help me out by watching?

I'm watching the news and wondering if Edward R. Murrow will EVER stop spinning in his grave. I hope he didn't see Kill Bill Vol 2...

The DMV was full of pretty, happy people and we were out quickly. I won't buy lottery tickets for a month, I've used up my good luck.

Every 60 seconds, someone, somewhere is (Insert ANYTHING). There are 6 billion people, this cliché applies to EVERYTHING marketing geniuses!

If you say "BOOM" EVERYTIME you put the weights down during a workout, strangers can kick you in the ass, right? (I'm gonna kick him anyway)

How long before "Three's Company the Movie" with Vince Vaughn as "Jack Tripper"? C'mon, cast the rest of the Movie. You know you want to...

Why are all of my fiends trying to get me to eat my first Krispy Kreme Doughnut? I'm trying to get in shape before the summer! D-bags!!

More snow. What the hell did Father Nature do? He needs to stop looking at Hooters waitresses butts. Think of US Father nature!!!!

"Don't tell your friends what I did to you last night, I don't want them to look at me funny." - Me to every woman that I've "Been" with.

OH, the hot lady at the coffee shop hated me because I'm the only one NOT to hit on her. I'm going to sleep with her to make HER feel better. Yeah, I'm a giver.

Special message to shockingly gorgeous unattached women who are currently NOT having sex with me...STOP THAT! Thanks.

Have YOU ever felt like the smart kid that people only play with when they need help with their homework? Yeah, it's been one of those...

Congress will now take up H2O - H, their new equally likely attempt to take Hydrogen atoms out of water. Thanks for not wasting time dweebs!

I want to become just famous enough to be offered a reality show so I can scream "F*ck no!". I've always wanted to scream that at somebody.

"Pyromaniacs and non violent criminals rejoice!" - Camden NJ tourism board

Apparently Congress thinks "Civility" and "Civil War" are the same thing.

**********************************************************************

Our society is supposed to constantly advance as we enjoy the fruits of accumulated knowlege, right? There are some things as an adult that we should KNOW and ACT UPON, right? Then why haven't mother******s in trucks and SUV's learned that they are NOT immune from the effects of ice on their tires!?! Please, let's make it legal to pimp slap these people when they drive TOO quickly and TOO close to others.

I'm S. Anthony Thomas...and I approve this message.

**********************************************************************

Larry King. Regis. Leno?

Lying to oneself is difficult for the unbiased and the sane, so if it's easy for you...

Kitchen sink, thrown. Problem, still here. It's time to detach the tub...

I CAN understand a debate on the mechanisms of Health care reform, but why would people NOT want to cover EVERYBODY?

Aw...did Ricky hurt the poor little stars' feelings at the golden globes?#calmdownhollywood

Nevada... Washington DC. *clock ticks* "What are places where prostitution is legal alex!?!" You're INCORRECT, but good political point!

Beautiful? *Ding*. Smart? *Ding*. Wants ME? *Ding*. NOT unreasonably jealous and insane?... *Sad Trombone* *Sigh* Next...

Brett Favre retires. In other news, his junk signs a 3 picture deal and will star in a new reality show, "Smaller than you'd think love"

People DO what they WANT to do, ANY delay means they DON'T want to. Remember that and 60% of your problems go away. You're welcome.

John Boehner will now begin work on his "Brain cell crushing healthcare ending" efforts.

People willingly dive into backward thinking, but get dragged kicking and screaming into progress. Human nature...it's FANtastic!!

If you can't handle Ricky Gervais...you'd better keep your punk asses off of twitter #celebs

Hey, guy that STEALS the last parking spot and last gas pump...I wish you a LIFETIME of "ALMOSTS".

"Facts be damned!" - New cable news slogan

The seven deadly sins are really just ONE deadly sin broken into digestible pieces. The ONE deadly sin? Being an a-hole.

I would love to find out if my theory is true. My theory you ask? My theory is..."Eva Longoria is delicious"

What's the over/under on extras, seat fillers and assorted hoochies getting pregnant tonight after the awards show?

There's a reason that the police ALWAYS look at the family FIRST when there is a murder. And those reasons are ALWAYS good ones...

If seeing a person's number and name in your caller ID gives you the same feeling you get when you're called back to work off of vacation... it's time to either limit that person's access to you, or get rid of them.

If those were surveyor's symbols on the Palin map, I say round up those damned surveyors NOW... BEFORE it's too late!!!

Aren't greeters at Home Depot told to be cheerful? If they sold rope by the front door, this guy would probably hang himself.

I love the new Activia commercial with it's "non specific about what the product does so they can't get in any more legal trouble" slogans.

Please, someone make it legal to fly wacky local sports guys to Singapore for a caning. Thanks.

He America, how about this...let's decide to be civil and respectful of each other BEFORE people get killed? Huh? Let's try THAT!

"Back shots" and "Flu shots" are NOT the same thing. You have been warned.

So, it's going to be ANOTHER one of THOSE days again, huh? No thanks.

Radio racists, cable clowns and half term hand artist, you have the right to say what you do and I have the right to say... "You disgust me".

Michael Steele is out at RNC. He can finally go back to his previous job, hipness coach for Carlton from the fresh prince of Bel-Air.

"Enjoy the riddance, for it is good." -S. Anthony 3:16

Funny is watching a teen try to impress his girlfriend by buying her 4 cookies at Dunkin Donuts, then nearly piss himself when it's $10.

There's nothing hotter than a really pissed off gorgeous woman. Just kidding, that sh!t is annoying.

I wish "Reality TV" was on a faster track, so it can run it's course already. It's no fun hating real people. Bring back ACTORS damn it!

Lady on "Maury", if you have 5 guys on stage who MAY be the father, you DON'T get to triumphantly scream "I told you!" to the eventual dad.

I caught my aspirin "getting it on". And that answers the question...

Pay ME minimum wage and you're getting minimum labor...and an ass kicking.

Thanks for putting "Pokes" on the first page thus forcing me to return them. Ever heard of plausible deniability Facebook? D-bags!!!

Pluto isn't a planet, the zodiac changed. A powerful entity is screwing with everyone. It is me Ha! Water is now a solid and ass is a liquid.

Blah blah the zodiac has changed. I'm STILL a SCORPIO! Ladies?

Women aren't going to believe that the lint from your dryer is chest hair. Just letting you know for no reason.

Wait...I'm a VIRGO now!?!

Minutia...is a buffet for cable news.

Getting upset with the radio bigots and cable haters is like getting mad at birds for crapping on your car. Don't park there. You're welcome.

The next relative that asks for help shoveling is going to make me set their car on fire and push it into their house. That'll do it!

I've finished a Mandala of pencil shavings and abandoned soap remnants. Jealous?

Shoveling done. Wishing that I had gotten someone pregnant in my teens so I'd have kids to do it instead of me beginning...

I am so glad that everyone in the media is dealing with the recent tragic events with class and dignity… *sigh*

You get 50 orgasms for every one I have...I believe that entitles ME to watch some sports WITHOUT a continuous "Sports suck!" chant. Thanks.

From a moving Presidential Memorial Speech back to two ladies carrying an empty soda can with their mouths on "Minute to Win It". *sigh*

This part of town must be in Atlas' armpit. Shrug mofo! Shrug! It stinks here!

When Tim Pawlenty does push-ups he doesn't push his body up, he pushes the Earth down!!! ;-)

Validation is a dish best served cold. Huh? It's REVENGE!?! Now I feel stupid for telling that carjacker that he has good taste in guns.

A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link...so can you please stop aiming a blow torch at it? #talkingheads

My penis works, I don't have psoriasis, and don't want to drive a semi truck. I am so NOT in the demographic for daytime TV.

If people getting shot doesn't make you rethink, it makes me think that you are incapable of thinking for yourself. That's what I think.

If you work with a bunch of idiots and you have the flu...please go to work early and lick the doorknobs. Thanks.

ALL homeless guys DON'T have golden radio voices and some WILL pull knives when you try to take them in your car and attempt to manage them.

I've NEVER ridden the porcelain bus...but I have left unsupervised packages in it.

TV...pitch meeting with valid ideas, no. Gain 300lbs, get drunk and slap people, say ill informed crazy sh!t...yes. Message received.

Is there a job opening on The Biggest Loser for a person to be the post weight loss or transition bang for the newly skinny single ladies?

With cameras, websites & YouTube around....whenever a politician lies now, just imagine each sentence ending with "...you dumb bastards!"

Someone please invent a pill that makes weight lifting not necessary!

At some point technology goes from being "a helping hand" to being "assistance for lazy asses".

Just completed P90Y...you just sit in a chair and drink hot dog and lard smoothies. I'd suggest P90X. I'm told it's better.

My buddy is going to get a hybrid car next time. I guess he wants to attract women with hairy armpits.

Car title loans UP...car jackings DOWN. Coincidence?

Hi press, it's me, S. Anthony Thomas. It's time for a complete news blackout of the Westboro Baptist Church. Thanks.

Facebook IS NOT shutting down on March 15th...but someone had better tell Caesar to watch out for his homie Brutus. Just saying...

Got my rock salt, shovels, food & hot cocoa ready...huh? What snow storm?

Some places will fine you for saving your parking place with an object after digging out of the snow. Okay, park here and I'll put it back!

Passive aggressive people amuse me.

Shout out to the people who clean up Mrs. Palin's websites....do you do windows too?

I've been to Vegas. Those Vikings in the commercial would get f*cked up there...at least if they hung out with my OLD crew.

Don't be fooled ladies...the creepy guy with the bad wig asking too many personal questions is NOT filming "Undercover Boss". Run!!!

When did "No, thank you" become "Nothankyou"?

I was just laughed out of MY living room by my nephews for calling "Tosh.O" "Tosho". What's FUNNIER is how easy Xmas gift checks are to stop.

I can't give Rex Ryan a hard time over those foot fetish videos...especially if what I do to women's butt cheeks ever gets out...

********Time to be serious*********

(Dem Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and 6 others shot at political rally)

It takes evil and cowardice to shoot Congresswoman Giffords and staff...and even more of it to stoke the flames DAILY on TV and Radio etc.

Disgusting evil rhetoric and mindless followers leads to disgusting evil acts. Shame. Those responsible, you know who you are.

Blind hatred and violence are animals that DO NOT remain on a leash for long. Soon, they bite anyone around. That's why I keep my distance.

We will find out who the truly sick are among the talking heads, radio hosts and bloggers now. Watch and listen...

Re:Responses to my Huck Finn post: Rappers saying the "N" word has NO effect on me. People in power thinking of me as one effects me DAILY.

THANKS to those who disagree with me for being pleasant & respectful. I've learned some things. The other 1%... enjoy self carnal knowledge.

The police should be allowed to taser drivers of trucks that insist on driving 60mph on obviously iced over streets. (If too close to ME)

I want my utility bills repealed and replaced.

Stop with the romantic novels. At least the movies are OUTSIDE the house, I don't need an argument catalyst IN the damned house TOO!

Apparently the viewers of this station are Diabetics who have trouble chopping vegetables, getting life insurance and "Getting Up".

I feel MORE manly in Home Depot than I do in Lowe's. I mean, who makes their customers wear a dress to shop? Huh? It's not a thing?

Celebrity weight loss secret...Have enough money and free time to buy your way out of the problem. It's easy, why don't you do it?

The ref tossing the coin looks too much like Boehner. I hope the players don't get hurt. He might not let them get the Healthcare they need.

The only thing missing from this new congress is a mustache to twirl and a bald cat to caress.

A beautiful woman, a pizza and a good movie...well, ONE out of three ain't bad. It sucks! ;-)

Hey Raymour and Flanigan...I have zero interest right now...in seeing your commercial AGAIN during this show.

Ah, it's nice and toasty here under the radar...

So, the Congress is reading the constitution huh? Well that makes sense, I like to read things before I shred them too.

I just found a betamax tape in a phone booth outside of a religious tolerance center.

I often wonder what percentage of lotion sold in America ISN'T used for moisturizing. Hey, none of your business how much of mine isn't!!!!

Why do terrorists STILL think that sh!t works? They'd need a lying cable news channel or something to f*ck up THIS country...oh...

No, that was sober dialing. I really just don't like you and I wanted my insults to be spoken CLEARLY.

Still think your vote doesn't count? #apathykills

Thanks new Congress! The last time things went backwards this fast was when Superman flew around the equator to reverse the planet's orbit to save Lois Lane. Yeah, it was just a movie...but it contained MORE realism that these people's ideas. Really new Congress? Really?

The New Mega Millions winners have been revealed. The bad decision/personal problems that make them wish that they didn't win the money clock begins... NOW.

Breaking Fake News! Kleenex stock hits an all time high as John Boehner sworn in as speaker of the house. Film at 6 & 11!

I want my brother's teacher so much that I WON'T sleep with her. Why? Because I'd do IT ALL to her... and that usually creates stalkers.

Hi teens, it's your adult relatives talking...we will NOT let you have sex in OUR homes. You mess up OUR sex lives we mess up YOURS. Ha!

Have you ever seen a puppy try to walk across a newly waxed floor? That's what watching teen relatives "pick up" ladies is like. FUNNY!

The NEW Congress is in, party time!... If by party one means NOTHING will get done and people are about to get fu*ked...just like before.

Hey, "Average Size" women...I've had sex with "Magazine Model" type women. It feels BETTER to be belly to belly naked with YOU. Dig?

Phuk eet!

You have to really trust a person to let them tie you up. Trust me. But tape, feel free tom let anyone do THAT. STOP BEING A WHIMP!!

Caring less and less is getting easier and easier...

Instead of taking The "N" word out of Huckleberry Finn, take it out of the brains of millions of bigots.

Guess why those new Dunkin' Donuts sandwiches are only 300 calories. They're the size of a thimble!!! Did you forget that you're in America?

Every time the Beiber kid is in a picture with someone, millions of teens threaten them. We must get a picture with him and Bin Laden.

It's really a shame to watch the world's supply of critical thinkers shrink. I think that they are what America needs to manufacture most.

Maury is showcasing one of the Real Housewives singing on his show. He's going to lose his credibi..... nevermind...

I wanted to sleep with Janet way more than Chrissy. #watchingthreescompany

Apathy...grist for the extremists' mill.

I'm pledging food to a food CREDIT UNION. I don't trust food BANKS. No, YOU'RE corny!!!

Sweaty fat people yelling at those trying to help them. An episode of The Biggest Loser or ANY Thanksgiving in America? You make the call!

Why would I want to drink something called "Bladder Buster"? I'll have a regular soda with my "Colon Inflamer (Cheeseburger)"

Sometimes I feel guilty laughing at those "tough" teens that have their "Scared straight" moments on talk shows. HE'S CRYING AGAIN! Ha ha!

The last woman that I dated was an angry jealous woman, so much so that she hated female servers when we went out. I blame Obama.

Some guy trapped everyone in the gas station by parking illegally. Please universe...send a car jacker his way...one with pink eye!

I've been out of the dating pool too long. When a lady says "Stop licking me sir!" That's good, right?

I'm starting to think that the people who are trying to repeal healthcare are secretly heavy investors in the casket and shovel businesses.

I practice tantric sex...so NO, I DON'T cook much. Or lose arguments. Or...

People are living longer and longer and longer. I'm starting to think that it's NOT modern medicine...it's spite. "Now it's time to wipe MY ass ya bastards!"

I don't want the celebrity....I want a woman that looks like the celebrity. Fame and fortune, I can get for myself.

SHIT! My shipment of dead birds just fell out of the plane! #mysterysolved

I just lunged menacingly at my alarm clock so I don't have to waste time smacking it tomorrow.

Workout now....HELL NO! Workout tomorrow, *sigh* alright.

I begin the quest for world domination tomorrow. It's okay, I wear boxer briefs now. You can't take over the world without the right undies.

If celebrities DON'T have a sex tape for me to see, I don't want to hear about who they're dating. #celebrity"news"shows

Awkward silences are OK, because they happen with people that need to shut the hell up anyway. The alternative is an awkward pimp slap.

There's not giving a crap...and then there's aggressively and overtly not giving a crap...thus my feelings about American Idol now.

I guess it didn't work with the hot neighbor and I because I'm not a cheating Identity thief like her last two dudes. I draw the line there.

I lip sync and air guitar during the opening theme to "CSI Miami"....EVERY TIME. Deal with it.

As far as I'm concerned, the "New Year" doesn't start until Monday morning...

I don't need a calorie count on the menu at fast food places...give me a probability of spit in my grub. Or the IQ of the employees. Thanks.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!

I just overheard people at the dollar store making fun of Walmart shoppers. Apparently they sell irony here.

Ladies, when you sleep with me MORE than 4 times a week, I have an uncontrollable urge to do laundry and listen to long ass stories. Dig?

I want to work in an office full of beautiful ladies so I can be the office slut.

DON'T bed drunk women. I let them THINK I did, so in the morning, "Hey, we might as well do it again" works. Yeah, I'm a Renaissance man.

Not returning a call is = leaving them hanging. It's also = not participating in a high five. Wait, what? ;-)

Attention extreme close talkers...I randomly thrust my knee in the air, head butt and swing elbows. You have been warned...