Criminals...there's a good chance that some big guys in jail are going to use your butt as a condom dressing room, so why commit crimes?

Russell Brand has sex with Katy Perry everyday...good luck with that mental picture next guy to sleep with her.

My car and another tapped each other, no damage and we shook hands. Later at the Supermarket two idiots shoot it out over gum. WTF?

Skinny dip? Nah, I'm more of a long and thick dipper. (Yes, it means exactly what you think it does.)

Call me old fashioned, but two teens "making out" in public is gross. I couldn't even finish my popcorn while at home watching the tape.

I was going to give the guy screaming on the subway a dollar like I usually do, but he wasn't there. He was prepping his new fox news show.

I feel about unhealthy relationships the way that I feel about triathlons. They're fun to watch but too painful for me to be a part of.

I put the "get the f*ck up and do what I say before I kick you in your lazy throat" in apathetic. Huh? It means what? Oh...embarrassing...

The people who are obsessed with the TV show "Teen Mom" probably live in homes without windows.