I'm never doing a favor for "someone" again. Give an inch and they take a light year. Yes, you CAN use LIGHT YEAR to describe distance. :p

New obstructionist party theme song---> Click Here

Damn, they cancelled my bottomless Sesame Street appearance. "B...alls....Balls, say it with me everyone!" Hey the moms need something to keep THEM interested!

Can you see me giving you the middle finger in your rear view mirror? Good. Then you probably don't see that big pothole...yeah. Good times.

I care about my cheating ex the same amount that the (R)'s care about the poor. I take that back...I actually cared once, so it's different.

Having the only working car + lazy relatives with no boundaries = "Will the defendant please rise?"

This teen is hitting on a pregnant lady...dude, really? You still have titty milk on YOUR mouth. Go home punk.

Don't order a gag cake shaped like a woman's genitals if you know the birthday boy's drunk uncle is attending. Pie anyone?

Special message to teens in my house, tip the delivery guy...I don't want to be collateral damage if he launches a spit on the food attack.

If Bob Woodward and Kitty Kelly ever had a kid...he/she would get their ass kicked daily. "No, I won't tell the teacher anything...."

Women love when you nibble their ear...and their rear...but what really turns them on is when you write jokes way below your skill level.