Yo, distant guy with the hot pregnant wife...kiss that neck and rub that belly! If you don't the next guy that gets her pregnant will!

The president isn't a news anchor or reporter...YOU elevated that dick headed book burner my news reporting, stupid question asking friend.

I slap pit bulls, goes to tea parties in pro Obama t-shirts and do my own prostate exams...yeah, I'm the man! I make my own rules!!!

Why pinch me to see if I'm dreaming? If Serena Williams isn't nude and covered in chocolate pudding...I know that I'm awake. TMI?

I just heard a teen ask his girlfriend if he could "Get up in those guts?" Disgusting. That's no way to get a lady to let you blow her up!

I don't know about you.... Oh, that was the end of the sentence...and a comment on your outfit and recent behavior. I truly don't know...

plɹoʍ ʎɯ

Imagine how accurately informed people would be if the "Mainstream Media" actually fact checked. WoW! That said...how is Lindsay doing?

Have you ever had a friend or relative ask to borrow so much money that you wonder whether they're stupid or mistook you for someone else?

Kiss my ring. NO...the one around the inside of the tub. Yes, what you're tasting is chocolate. You're welcome.

Have you ever disliked someone so much that even the sound of their laughter makes you want to pimp slap them?

Hey CANCER here's a special message to you from my Aunt that you took from us...FUCK YOU! Say hello to the dodo bird and Polio motherfucker!

There's calorie labels on fast foods, but NO label on my ex saying "Will start banging a rich dude when your TV deal falls through?" C'mon!

What adult is still afraid of horror movies....really? What? That's NOT a horror movie? It's....CABLE NEWS!?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!