Ever had someone mention a spouse thinking you're hitting on them when all you're thinking is "Someone is sleeping with YOU...regularly?"

You heard two people talk about nothing, then 15min later get on cellphones to repeat the conversation? And you DIDN'T shoot them!?!

Lady, If you pay for those items with separate checks...I'm going to run you over in the parking lot. (Homeland security, I'm just kidding)

I could use some passionate "manual-tonomy" right now. Ladies?

Yo, middle aged d-bag! Flirt with the teen gas attendant AFTER I get MY gas! I don't think her seeing me drop kick you will get you laid!

I'm thinking of swirling some alcohol around in my mouth for the smell so I can do all of the stupid crap that I want, with a built in excuse.

RIP Robert Schimmel