Spent all night in ER with uncle, now I have to spend today on the phone chasing his doc and setting up his meds. Can I borrow that noose?

My uncle's nurse is super "Makes you think of marriage" cute. He might get sick again...right after I see when her schedule is...

Racists back in the day would fuck YOU but NOT themselves, this new breed will kamikaze their own country by electing idiots. Shame.

I'm thinking of starting a new religion called "everyonesucksbutusism"

I've never cheated on anyone, had a DUI, used illegal drugs or tapped my foot in a public bathroom....so there! #tauntingeverypolitician

I'd bet money that 90% of tailgaters were bullied in school. Good. F*ck'em

Visiting family in the hospital makes you think about life. It's tough. What's even more tough? Accidentally seeing your uncle's balls.