My new show hit a snag. Half of the audience laughs, half cries, half wants to sleep with me and have my baby and half wants to tutor me...

Gotta go to the store, please let the hot coffee lady be there...please....did I mention that she's hot?

Hot coffee lady WAS there...and so was her HUSBAND. Who I just met. Who I now like a lot. Thanks for f*cking up my fantasies bro!

If you had a dinner party with TEN people, but THREE were acting like asses, you'd throw them out, right. Politicians, think about that.

I would like to start a movement to make it illegal for people to STOP YOUR DRYER and ask the moronic question "Who's clothes are these?"

I just dropped a friend off at work, he's in HR. I worked in HR 15 years ago. No H's came in and the ones that did damn sure had no R's.

I am the oldest child, so I have the right to use my sisters minivan to troll for hookers, right?...Tell her!!!

DON'T go on a cruise unless it's with someone you LOVE hanging out with or someone who's sleeping with you A LOT! You have been warned!