I miss working in an office. I work at home, I'd shoot the people here but I am soooo out gunned. And they hid my weapons.

A trip to Singapore and public caning for bot creators and spammers...WHO'S WITH ME!?! No, YOU'RE crazy!

The GOP Leader just tweeted about the Constitution's Anniversary. So....he IS aware of it. Now, maybe he'll read the damned thing!

If you can see that a bus needs to turn the corner and it takes you two minutes to figure out what to do...Instant license revocation!!!!!

Really officer...you DON'T smell the weed around here? Do you think that it's a coincidence that you're trying to eat your dog NOW?

"These reality shows are sucking up all of the people with mental disorders. Now I have to work at Denny's"

- Psychiatrists

You're horrible for my country, but joke writing has never been easier. Thanks racist politicians!

Had a sex dream about Betty White & Abe Vigoda...now it hits me why those college students laughed when they gave me the brownies.

I did a show at a church and was asked to keep it clean. After the show everyone that came up said "F*cking great show man!" (True)

I'm starting to think that Mike Huckabee flips a coin each morning before he leaves the house "Heads, I'll sound sane today...tails a nut!"

Imagine how much better the world would be if sane, rational and compassionate people were LOUDER than the nuts. Ah...tis but a dream....

Special message to women with beautiful asses. Thank you for sleeping on your stomachs...and for loving what I do to you to wake you up.