You can tell if your woman is a "Keeper" by the sound that she makes when the cool whip and pudding first lands on her buttocks...

I wish that there was a YouTube video of cheating ex's face when she slept with the other guy the first time and realized that he was no ME.

No, don't grill in your backyards, block up EVERY street. No one else has anywhere to go. Anyone up for some late night tire slashing!?!

Um, anyone else have friends/relatives that think (judging by the idiocy of their requests) that you sit in a room waiting for errands?

I'm going to use euphemisms in reverse. I'm going to say mean things when I'm really being nice. I hope you all get bitten by pitbulls!

Everyone doesn't like peanuts...or mayo...please inform the restaurant workers of the world BEFORE something bad happens to them!

The dollar menu is the broke 20 somethings best friend. That's why I have a soft spot for McDonalds, Taco Bell and Burger King. I would have starved to death without them when I lived in Los Angeles or became a male pros....uh....telemarketer...yeah...

When I see someone with a really old cat it bums me out. It reminds me of the cliffhanger on every animal show. (FYI, the animal gets eaten)