Screw you BED bugs, I'm sleeping on this sofa! Ow! Ow! Apparently these things are illiterate. I'm on a SOFA dumb asses!

Celebrity + Twitter = lame assed tweets from a PR intern. No thanks. (Of course if I become famous, i'm going to do the same crap)

The guy in the commercial for payday loans bragging about having cash probably also enthusiastically votes for tea party candidates. Yup.

Skinny women who have butts that jiggle...god bless you...

Rite Aid lawn chairs....for those who love the smell of melted plastic and burning cellulite.

At this point, i'll settle for peace or quiet...

I'm cooking dinner tomorrow for a large number of my family members...they'd better be nice to me. The eggs might not get refrigerated...

I wish that I could testify before congress "in character" I don't think they'd like me just pointing at them & yelling "Sellout motherf*ckers!"

These teeth yellowing strips are just not moving.

Fox News or SNL...which one do you think does the better political comedy? Huh? Fox is serious? Awkward...

I'm getting old. I JUST found out what "purple drank" & "superman that ho" mean.