I call magnum condoms Snuggies®. (Don't get too excited ladies, he calls all products made of latex Snuggies®)

The downside to becoming famous at some point, is the things old girlfriends will say that I enjoyed doing to them. Oh, I'm on twitter...

I'm no longer bitter about cheating ex. Think about it, as low maintenance as I am, if she can screw it up with me...she's really an ass!

Special message to women who poke holes in condoms thinking that a baby will make "Him" stay. Do you see ANY guys pushing strollers? Thanks.

I just stopped two kids from beating the hell out of each other, because one did the "Eenie Meanie" song with the accent on the words and one did it with the accent on the syllables. Aren't MOST fights over something equally stupid? Even the ones that include people blowing shit up and shooting one another? Just a thought.

Someone stole the screen door off of my grandparents house. Having this door is worth possibly being used as a prison testicle caddy dude?

Rude checkout lady didn't even look at me when giving me change...rude. So when I fantasize about her as I sleep tonight...we're doing anal.

A married lady kept flirting with me to make her husband jealous. I was worried that there would be trouble but he saw my look of disgust.

My self help book "Shut up, nobody wants to hear you whine like a punk!" wasn't as big a hit as I thought it would be...

I think bow legged women are god's version of loosening the soda cap.

I'm going to make you laugh so hard that I'll one day be a bigger star than xy canis majoris! Oh lord, I'm nerding it up again!

I just had smoke blown up my ass by some business associates...and a new fetish is born. Don't judge me!!

I just installed heel rests on my butt cheeks...yes ladies...I care...