I saw a lady complaining that her husband never takes her anywhere...she was wearing an ankle monitor! Somehow I think he gets a pass lady.

Message to the ladies, when I tell you how good you taste, I'm NOT just saying it to get into your pants. That's what the $50 was for.

Yay politics! 50-60 yr olds with the maturity of 8 yr olds fighting like 13 yr olds in front of people with the attention span of 2yr olds.

A woman just caressed my butt on the subway. I see why you ladies like that so much...MY WALLET! Just kidding. My ass is just delicious.

Shoplifters...EVERY STORE HAS CAMERAS MORONS! Try being like everyone else in society, you know, only be an ass by ACCIDENT or when drunk!

Please don't autotune anything else EVER. I'll just use Syrup of Ipecac. Thanks.  

Watching politics right now is like watching a revival... "Spanish Inquisition Live!" (Touring Company)

Where I'm from "Cutting in line" means something completely different...you've been warned. *Person goes back to previous spot* Good Call...

My mother used to think that she failed me by not forcing me to go to church...but she raised a critical thinker...I say you still win mom.

If a lady tells you that she wants to be friends, accept it or say goodbye. I'm too nice to KEEP laughing at you...

It's amazing how much smarter you get with age. I mean, I DID NOT touch that hot oven. Okay, I'll stop bragging now.