I used to make my ex's toes curl so hard and so often that she walked with a limp. It was that or the bike accident...nah...it was my lovin'

S. Anthony is the ultimate man, all the hot women on twitter should bang him regularly. This is his ex and not just him trying to get laid.

Saw a woman at the post office that was so perfect that I hate her parents for not making more like her.

8 out the last 10 women that I was "with" loved having whipped cream on their bottoms...the other 2 got off the bus...but they both called.

God...this warm moist opening, I can't get enough of it. Hey sickos. I'm at a bakery. I having sex with this lady at a bakery...

Yeah, that WAS Michael Bublé on the radio in my car...AND!?!

I can't wait to have kids so I can abandon them, run off to India & find myself. I wonder what my movie would be called? "Deadbeat bastard"

The half term hand artist slams Obama over (Insert anything he does here). Save me some time and tell me when she shuts the heck up...

I would donate my hair to locks of love, but as a black guy...well, the hair would be labeled "some assembly required"