I want to get Monday hired as Naomi Campbell's assistant so she can kick it's ass and throw a phone at it.

"Asshat" isn't an insult if the ass is on Serena Williams. I would love to have her ass on my head...daily...nightly...constantly...

Monday morning is the school bully waiting for you at 3PM making the fist to the eye gesture at you...

Me: F*ck you!

My Life: No, f*ck you!

My life: Did you just write 10 great new minutes for your show?

Me: Yup!

My Life: Damn! Well played.

"Punishing Heat" would sooooo be my porno name. Light sprinkles...not so much.

I'm hoping to be a perpetual schadenfreude tease.

"When are we going to stop slamming Monday? Odds are, if Monday sucks, your life sucks too!" - (Closing argument from Monday's Lawyer)

I'm a relationship guy, not a one night stand guy. You get tired of the shocked look when your disgusting fetishes are put on the table.

Special note to people who really have nothing to say. Silence is OK. If you begin with "Sooo...", "Weeell.." or "Heeey..." Keep it moving.

"Yeah baby, I'd pomp your circumstance!" It was then that a plastic duck with "d-bag" on it fell from the ceiling and he knew...finally.

Please, someone invent trash cans that take themselves out. (And it would be great if the cans could taser cats and squirrels too.) Thanks.