Idiots are physically violent. More evolved people use emotional violence & passive aggressiveness. So, couldn't find a skirt that fit huh?

Is it a bad sign when you throw a quarter into a wishing well....it hits the water, bounces back and hits you in the forehead?

If your lady has given you a baby, do what she says. Don't make her bring out the "Labor pain" card on you. You will NEVER win that one. Once she does, she'll use it everytime and pound you with it. My uncle was 6'2" when he got married. Now he's shorter than I am. Just saying...

To people who take the radio racist, the half term palm artist and Joseph McCarthy 2.0 seriously....c'mon. Is melanin that scary to you?

Wait, the guy charged with helping Al-Qaida is from CHICAGO!?! Come on Rush, Beck, Fox...it doesn't get any easier for you than that!

Why do smart people do things that could possibly land them in jail? Do they have secret "getting stabbed and peeing in public" fetishes?

Hey McCarthy 2.0, the nuts you're riling up may one day not like what YOU say and those chickens WILL press the "Home" button on their GPS.

Prop 8.1 Make it illegal for assholes to use the ballot to assault people that have done nothing to them. 

Now you all know that I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry will be on about 35 times this week... 

I've just successfully finished a triathlon using just my kegel muscles. Jealous? You should be.

I'm good. I just convinced hot twins on the subway that the three angel kisses that I gave them on each butt cheek were accidents. Yup.