Ladies, STOP with the butt implants. If you want to put SOMETHING into your buttocks...I'm available!!! I love to give, It's what I do.

Can we ALL just acknowledge that we went from wimps to nutcases in congress? I mean really...

I'm going to audit the "How NOT to get it" class taught by Hosni Mubarak at the learning Annex.

It's amazing how hot a woman looks when she's buying things at the home repair store. It's a real turn on knowing you don't have to do that sh!t.

Congress IS working on jobs. With less protection of our air, water, food and medicines MORE people will die thus less jobless. GENIUS!!!

Laziness is an addition just like drugs. Right now I'm shooting up "eat Chinese food and watch American Idol" I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT TO!!

Hey photographers for major magazines, thanks for airbrushing the delicious texture out of all of the women's skin. Who needs NATURAL, kissable, lickable, nibble-able, rub your nose on-able, press as close to me as possible at all times-able skin that they were born with? Please, let's have more of that eerily smooth, plastic, phony glow having skin. It's a real turn on. Dumbasses!!

Breaking fake news! Sandman Sims from The Apollo in Harlem is on a plane to Egypt. Mubarak's time is almost over. Film @ 11!

Sorry ladies, if you want to see shirtless middle aged married white guys you're going to have to go someplace else. - #newcraigslistslogan

I don't do revenge, I do replace.

Some GOP that refused their healthcare are finding out how tough it can be. Wait until they find out that they have to be in blackface too.

Making love to a smoker is like thrusting your penis into an ashtray for 30 min and... yeah, you're right. The original version is better.