If only I could find a woman that LOOKED like my ex, that DIDN'T bang everyone. Yeah... life would be good.

I got my little cousin's coloring book confused with an IKEA assembly instruction book and now my china cabinet looks like Dora the explorer.

I put my rolled up socks between the cheeks of her booty pop panties in the drawer. #foreshadowing #outsourcing #givingherahint

A woman's bottom to me is like two scoops of my favorite ice cream. I will add toppings and with her permission I will endlessly indulge. (FYI, this also applies to her boobs)

Hosni Mubarak in... "The thing that wouldn't leave" Summer 2011 Directed by James Cameron

"Hahahahahaha!!" - Happily married, semi attractive, slightly pudgy people laughing at Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry fighting like idiots.

Credit agencies are paparazzi for regular people.

This fast food place has steel chairs and a 50inch TV screen. Why go home and be sedentary? The only thing for them left to do is bomb gyms.

Cellphone commercials are as useful as commercials extolling the virtues of having orgasms. NOT F*CKING NECESSARY !!! WE GET IT! STFU!!

Alright 48 hours mysteries, if you're going to take up a whole show with ONE mystery we'll NEVER get through this cold case backlog!

Breaking News! The US Supreme court votes to put Mubarak back in power, oblivious to having no jurisdiction there. Film @ 11