Word to the wise, if you're dating LESS than a year and they're already a pain in the ass....(Do I really need to tell you what to do?)

I dropped a friend off at home and he cringed when he saw that his wife was there. How far away should I drive before laughing at him?

One of my buddies always screams that Fox news is full of liars & bigots. Let me guess, the guests on MAURY have low self esteem too, right?

Women taste good. That is all.

I'm too old and too sober to do the things that I want to do right now.

Drug dealers, maybe if you didn't ALL dress the same and sell at exactly the same place you wouldn't keep getting arrested. Oh and you suck.

"Oh yeah, well why did you bend over, huh!?!" (This sentence has NEVER been a part of a conversation that ended well)

If anyone in my house turns on "Dancing with the Stars" at 8pm...you'll see me on the news at 11.