If you take up two parking spaces because you think you're more important, then you're twice the a-hole and should get twice the keying.

It's amazing, a person who would run across two lanes of traffic to save you after a car wreck, would vote to block the healthcare you'd need after it.

First Taylor Swift, now Matt Lauer...when will Kanye West stop attacking white women? Huh? Oh, sorry Matt. Kinda invalidates my point...

I can't wait until I'm one of the elite. This whole "Caring about OTHERS and feeling human compassion" thing is hard!

If Beck did the exact same show on Comedy Central that he does on Fox, people would think he was doing a great parody of an idiot.

My cousin just had a baby. If he had just stayed in there a couple more weeks I could have cancelled Thanksgiving. Selfish little...

If an adult runs into the street & almost gets hit, then gives YOU an evil look when it's THEIR fault...it should be legal to run them over.

My life is like a parking garage, go & you can't come back because of the tire spikes. Unless you pay the drowsy teen to look the other way.

Life is like a box of chocolates, observed, nibbled at...then thrown away. Unless you're me then it's eaten off of a cute lady's sweet ass.

Gift cards DO NOT = cash. If they did I'd still be talking to you.

High school reunions...it's funny how ladies who wouldn't look at me then are damn near approaching me bottomless now.