My car is now bra-less, I'm not buying that "It's just the wind" crap. That motorcycle next door was acting suspicious.

What's with these NBA players screwing each others wives and moms? Have they finally drained the "easy woman pool" dry?

A guy repeated a talking point that was so inaccurate that the only tool needed to debunk it was an attached brain stem.

Imagine a world where having sex with Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock & Eva Longoria isn't enough for you. I don't know if I want to be famous.

He menacing guy at the ATM, I see your scariness and raise with a hand in my jacket and evil look. Ha! I'm MORE scary. You lose d-bag!

Romantic comedies cause anal leakage, pink eye & gout. (Lets just get a rumor started to keep me from having to see more of those things)

Wait...you give bigots, crazies, liars and thieves power and they IMMEDIATELY screw you? Didn't see THAT coming.

If there's any famous, rich, gorgeous women who want a man that WON'T cheat and WILL do you daily...I'm right here. (I live to help others)

News shows, stop giving local preachers air time for minor, meaningless decisions. No one outside of their churches gives a crap. Thanks.

Special message to anyone working with me, when I get married... suggestively text my wife and I'll beat the shit out of you. Now you know.