I'm reaching the age where all the new music sounds the same. I thought my mom was making that up. The crunching sound is my brittle bones.

If you buy an older relative electronics or computers...turn off your phone for a week or so. That is all.

If you're married to or dating a ridiculously attractive person who abruptly becomes famous...tick...tick...tick...tick...

"Hey honey, since you don't want to watch porn...watch the TSA person to get some new ideas on how to handle my testicles"

America is a melting pot, the people on the bottom get burned and the top get spit on. Oops, sorry, that's from my Chili recipe...

Once you go black Friday, you never go to a white sale again.

I'm working on the world's first nonuple entendre...get ready...

"Fleebill" Decipher, then discuss.

Breaking News!!! Facebook sues porn industry for using the term "Facial" film at 11!

This time tomorrow I'll be wishing for a house fire.

I don't know about you people, but turkey ALWAYS tastes better off of a soggy paper plate. *SIGH*

Tell that turkey to stop looking at me like that. I didn't start this tradition damn it!

Ever found yourself auditioning to stay in a relationship? I used to. Now, I only show up for STARRING roles with TOP billing.

Who needs plastic surgery when you're cute, funny and great in the sack? Well, one out of three isn't bad, right? Right?