Haven't we all agreed as a society, when you're on the phone and put up one finger it means wait? I guess to my family it means LOUDER.

Do you know what I was just interrupted on a business call by my little cousins for? THE LOCATION OF THE SUGAR!!! I...need...an alibi.

Sarah Palin ISN'T a stupid person, which makes her bigotry and overt lies even more disgusting. (Not looking for a debate, just ranting)

I'm for the privatization of reproductive organs.

Speaking of reproductive organs...my ex did an IPO, and that's why I divested...and soon after, her market crashed.

FYI, carbon monoxide detectors DO NOT work better when wrapped in duct tape no matter what new additions to your will say.

Just stopped the little one from putting her hamster in the garbage disposal. Whew, I did it for her...she's too young to use that thing.

Wesley Snipes is going to jail? The streets will be so much safer now with a rich actor off the streets. Let the children come out and play!

Going to the Airport nude. Take that mofos!

Quick, if you get to the airport in 10 minutes they've switched to "Lickdowns" I've logged 70,000 miles today. Whoops, I'm next! Aw yeah!