Thanksgiving & Christmas are coming up, the two days that my family gets together. They should be more spaced out so the wounds can heal.

TSA: Sir...going to need to see ID.

Me: *drops pants*

TSA: Put IT away sir.

Me: Well, the colloquial name for it CONTAINS those letters!

If you want to "know where the time went" check that beer can in your hand you future cirrhosis having d-bag.

Thanks mom for raising me to be too nice to fully enjoy schadenfreude. I'd hold a grudge, but I don't do that either. DAMN YOU!!!

Seeing the dangerously aggressive driver that cut you off hit a huge pothole that flattens both front tires = Seeing a super hot porno. Yup.

Miley Cyrus just turned 18 which will make it a bad idea to shake hands with pervs for the next month.

Special message to the spouses of the famous. STOP TELLING FAKE STORIES ABOUT HOW NORMAL THEY ARE!!! They're rich and famous! STFU!

In a hostile takeover, my brain has taken control. My "you know what" is still too powerful to be exiled, so it works in an advisory role.

TV...I'm smart, you can begin treating me like it any time now. Thanks.

My Brass balls are going to relegate me to bus travel.