Special message to any woman dating me, DO NOT walk past me in your undies even during football, I WILL still f*ck you. My last girlfriend was surprised and complimented by that fact. I will NEVER choose football over being deep inside my woman. (Unless it's the Superbowl, but even then she'd get a halftime quickie...and let's keep it real, I'm definitely going to want some post game action.)

I'm going to ask WikiLeaks to leak to the TSA about me, so they can spend less time squeezing my balls. (Unless it's a hot woman then shh)

Hey, people who acted like asses on Black Friday, I make friends with the store managers and pick up things at my leisure. But you had fun, right?

I told my Aunt if you show up for Black Friday when the door opens You'll have a perfect view of EVERYONE ELSE getting things. T'was right.

The porno movie based on Wikileaks won't need much of a title change will it? ;-)

Teens and 20somethings stare into their cellphones so much, drivers licenses of the future will be pictures of people's ears.

Where was wikileaks when I was dating my ex? I could have used a file labeled "Get money soon or she'll start screwing some rich guy"

Sports, politics & religion are three things that turn seemingly nice people into assholes instantly. That's why they're ALL turning me off.

Wait, they just used the song from "RENT" to sell Diamonds? I guess that ad exec DIDN'T see the play or movie.

C'mon Wii, go that FINAL step...you've created simulations for everything else...you know what I mean...just add "ner" to your name...

Have you ever been stuck with someone who is a human "Auto correct?" I'm about to pull the battery out of his ass and bend his SIM card.

I want to bring back the WWE style drop kick. People will talk about getting punched...but drop kicked? Nope. Who'd believe them?