Special Message to relatives: Just because I'm home, it doesn't mean I'm not working. I WORK FROM HOME!!! Stop calling about minutia!!!!!!

The United States of America the first ever "Banana Representative Democracy"

Special Message to guys on Maury, if he calls your name FIRST in a group of guys, you are NOT the father, EVER. Just letting you know.

Why the hell did I just admit that I'm watching Maury while I eat lunch? I meant to say "Masterpiece Theater...it's fantastic!"

Special message to guys, resolve all disputes with your lady BEFORE the movie "For Colored Girls" comes out. Just take my word for it.

My teen cousin injured his right hand playing football on the same day my hot neighbor goes bra-less to her car. A teen boy's nightmare.

I'm no tough guy, but when confronted by a bully...I punch the motherf*cker in his throat. It works politically too. Hint Hint.

Yeah, I'm watching The Ultimate Fighter on the DVR while drinking pink lemonade thru a crazy straw...what of it?

New Congress members, have fun locked in the room with that pitbull you trained to viciously attack . It won't backfire on you at all.

Please, someone illegally post prices for Southwest Airlines on ANOTHER site. Anything to annoy them as much as their commercial annoys me.

Uh racists, *whispering* we know that you really hate yourselves, can you say "projection?", see ya later. Enjoy your new congressional seat.