You have been warned...

Pull my finger...Smell my finger...It's very important that you hear the FIRST word in the sentence. There's a BIG difference. Lesson Over.

If I "Ride" my neighbors' sister on the grass in front of my house. Am I a "lawn jockey?"

Thanks to my neighbor, I too can leave crap all over my front lawn. FYI, one of the things I'll leave, will be his ass Knocked the hell out.

I have a six pack ass. I think…I may have done something wrong at the gym. My trainer still seems proud of me, although he insists that I give the name of a trainer that he hates when I’m asked who helped me. Wait a minute! That bastard!

Tweet # 7000 on twitter today. Thought I'd run out of ideas by now, but it's like taking candy from a baby, minus an arrest & ass whipping by angry parents.

Single male seeks woman w/lots of cats, a low sex drive & anger issues. Just kidding. I don't want you in my state if ONE of those is true!

People high five too easily. We need a new gesture. Nipple licking, yeah! That way, if someone does it...you know that you REALLY earned it!

It's funny when people play music to hide that they're screwing. I usually burst into the room dancing followed by pointing and laughing.