An additional one sinks his teeth into the dust....

I'd say "Screw Monday!" but I'm really good at it and it doesn't deserve the treat...however...Friday has a nice ass. I'm going to call her.

Why is it that I'm always at my happiest before 10am and after 10pm?

My exercise equipment just said something bad about my mom...so I'm going to teach it a lesson by NOT using it! So there!

“The women filing restraining orders against me are hotter than the ones filing against YOU! Ha! You’re such a loser!!!”

“I love “Maury” and “Jerry”…you get to watch people test drive the bad decisions that you’ve avoided.”

Imagine what a wonderful world it would be, if your lady would "sleep" WITH you even when she was mad AT you...it is but a dream...FOR YOU.

According to TV sitcoms, as a comedian, I should have a super attractive bitchy wife who is constantly annoyed with me. Ladies?

Alright! Yeah! Let's go! (These are the sounds made by someone pumping themselves up for a task that they know they CAN'T accomplish)