Monday, April 5, 2010

....and YOUR problem is?...

I slept like a baby last night…in a basket on the doorstep of a deadbeat dad.

I'm a pragmadreamertist.

Shhh, she doesn't know that she's giving me fellatio. I told her I was taking a DNA swab. #fbiagentslastdayoutofjail

It's not what you think mom! I just have really dry skin on my junk! #teenwhowillnowhavetobuyhisownlotion

Apparently, it's illegal to make a sundae WITHOUT peanuts even if that's what you ordered. Thank goodness I used counterfeit bills.

I thought analingus was someone who was very particular about how he did it. Then I found out the definition. Sounds good to me. Ladies?

After watching Tiger woods...I'm glad that the village that my girlfriends come from doesn't know about the invention of electricity yet.

Isn't it great when the person you're sleeping with has complimentary fetishes? It still counts if I paid her, right?... SHUT UP HATER!!!!

I find it most fun to perform cunnilingus on my dentist...mainly because I don't have to stop to finish our conversation.

Ladies, even if we're clothed and it won't lead to sex, we would like it if you would perpetually caress our junk. Thanks. That is all.

I don't want an ipad, I'm going to wait until they come out with a smaller one that fits in the palm of your...oh.

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