S. Said What?...

So...when you said to play possum, you DIDN'T mean kill your cat and knock over your trash cans? You need to communicate more clearly bro.

Portion control people...portion control. Don't try to stop cold turkey. It works. I'm down to 3 hookers per week! *Pats own back*

Donate your old bluetooth headset to a homeless person talking to his/herself, it'll stop them from being stared at. Show them you care.

Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses, trying to fool me with that fake Census Form...it was a dead giveaway when that Watchtower Magazine fell out!

I know that it's been too long since I've had sex when a "Dancing with the Stars" promo comes on and I think... "Doesn't look too bad..."