"I want to be the first thing you see in the morning and the last thing at night!" #beautiful sentiment or kidnapping threat?
Snuggie™ is actually an Indian word meaning "Douchebags with too much disposable income" (Unless you are a cute lady...then uh..it looks good!)
For your information...when you go to a petting zoo...PET THE ANIMALS ONLY!!! I'll be back, I've got to ice down my forehead.....
Remember when your mom cleaned your face with spit? Notice, they always did it when they were mad. Now I get it! That's low mom, really low.
Ever seen a person or couple that is so dysfunctional that they should be charged with child abuse upon conception? No? Go to the mall.
Um, are you supposed to start the process of lancing a boil by kissing it? What! I'll be right back...I've got a doctor to smack!!!
Laptop is a better name than Ball warmer. For computers too.
I need a warm moist place to put this....no, it's not what you think. I'm talking about my penis. Oh, you were thinking that. Well?....
Ever give a person who asks for money on the street too much accidentally? Ever take too much back and outrun him to your car? Me neither.