I'm Just Saying...

My new exterminator isn't working out. He doesn't kill the bugs, he just writes them really tiny threatening letters.

I'm going to Times Square on New Years Eve, wearing tight jeans and hoping to run into some dyslexic pick pockets.

What's going on? is a great song. I'd like to hear Stevie Wonder sing it. It's more appropriate from a blind guy.#Alreadyashamedofthatjoke

If you want to know what it feels like to get beaten up by strangers, take a "STOP" sign too literally.

If during a prostate exam, the Doc says "You know, the tongue is more sensitive than the finger" Leave immediately, like I will, next time.

The number on a sleep number bed is the stiffness, not the number of people who've been in it. I owe you an apology ex-girlfriend. Oops.

We seem to generate lower scores in naked ring toss during the winter.

If the terrorists want to blow things up they should start with any movie theater that shows a chick flick.

Where do NEW crackheads come from? You'd think by now that the word on crack would have gotten out.

Word to the wise, unlike an occasional $20 from her purse, Anal is not something you can sneak while she's asleep.

Masturbation is you lying to your genitals. That's why mine don't speak to me anymore, although I occasionally get a sternly worded letter.