They say Tiger Woods needs to rehab his image by doing Oprah. Doing Oprah? Give it a couple days, we may find out that he did Oprah already!
None of you could tell me not to wear my socks until they are crunchy? Some friends you are. Does the same hold true for your boxers?
Touch a hot stove, you'll never do it again. True. YOU'LL never do it again. But...there's no better way to quickly sober up a drunk friend!
Hey Sissycrats, oops I mean Democrats, see how cellphone companies lower the price when they compete. Think that'll work anywhere else?
It's bittersweet having so many followers on Twitter and friends on Facebook. It's an honor to be chosen by so many but the downside is...I'm now officially overqualified for "Dancing With The Stars."
I haven't had a 9 to 5 in years. And to the people I would have definitely shot in a fit of blind rage....You're welcome.
Every rap video has a guy with gorgeous women & millions of dollars...who's angry. Just makes me wonder...how mad were they before? Damn.
If famous, I'd better find my exes & pay em...or no one will ever kiss me, touch my fingers or eat any cylindrical vegetables I make again.
They say Bernie Madoff is the subject of adoration in jail. Of course! He's the crook they wanna be when they grow up. F**k liquor stores!!
Ever had someone go to tap you on your shoulder but get you on the ass by accident? No? The lady on the train didn't believe me either.
If you have an old or fat security guard it's cheaper to just tell teens that they can have one free item whenever they shop at your store.